Whitey, 2000

Zachary Adecki didn't realize anything was wrong until he gasped for breath and sucked in nothing but East Mesa city water. After all, he had been dunked so many times today he began to fantasize that he was having an affair with a mermaid, a married mermaid, and to avoid her jealous merman who was returning home after a long day at the barnacle factory, he was forced to jump back and forth from the orgasmic ocean depths to dry-hump land.

The coral-sharp pain in his nose and lungs and the involuntary reflex to take in even more water brought him back to exactly where he was: in a 12-foot diameter, six-foot deep, black plexiglass dunking tank in the parking lot of the 1.3 million square foot Superstition Springs Regional Shopping Mall.

His agency handled the mall's marketing so he knew the specifics: five anchor tenants - - Sears, Dillard's, Mervyn's, J.C. Penney's, ZCMI - - and more than 100 specialty stores. Typical shopper: residents from nearby retirement communities. The blue-haired market, Zach called them, an age group known for its frugal spending habits.

So he created a jazzy campaign to help attract two desired demographics: female teens who hung out at Fiesta Mall, 10 miles west, and their upscale moms, the kind of women who bought a new outfit for every Suns game.

That's why Zach was here today, to kick off his brilliant plan. He told the marketing director: "KFRM-FM will do a live remote. We'll have a basketball hoop and platform attached to a dunking tank, and Crazy Eddie Edwards, their morning D.J., will be the sitting duck. Every basket made will send him plummeting into the drink - - and score $50 for Suns charities!"

But Crazy Eddie bailed out last minute, claiming an inner ear infection. Instead, he handed out free KFRM and Phoenix Suns tee-shirts, and provided chatty banter. Zach found a game replacement, and that's how his ass ended up in the tank.

Zach heard strained laughter. Didn't they realize he was a drowning man? Shaking his arms frantically, he thought of Gus Grissom, desperately waving to helicopter pilots while sinking in the Atlantic after the second Mercury-Redstone flight. They thought he (Gus) was signaling that all was "A-okay".

This was worse; the crowd consisting of 500 nubile teenagers - - and a few dozen sexy moms - - thought Zach was joking. That was his fault. Repeatedly, for no other reason than to amuse the female-dominated audience, he had feigned death-by-drowning, haplessly buoying in the water until his lungs white-flagged. At first the nubiles loved the theatrics, but the bit wore thin. Needing to up the ante, he arrived at a winner. This time he was going to drop his pants and let just his white ass surface. But before he could unfasten his jeans, the seat of his pants caught on the metal rod supporting the platform.

Reaching around he tried to pull his pants free. No luck. Near-death experiences had haunted Zach for much of his life, but as he gulped yet another stinging mouthful of chlorinated water, he wondered, Am I really going to die of something so silly? Then he remembered the rumor that Mama Cass choked to death on food.