Confessions of a Professional Hospital Patient
How To Survive A Hospital Stay and Escape With Your Life, Dignity, and Sense of Humor
by
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The Emergency Room
No hand-holding, no cuddling, no candles and no promises. Beer instead of wine and "McDonalds" instead of a well-cooked steak dinner. The emergency room is the fast food, no-nonsense department of the hospital. The staff’s philosophy is akin to "Lov’em and Leav’em." It is an area of the hospital which brings out the best and worst in medical care. However, in this era of managed care where physicians won’t admit a patient unless a butcher knife is ten (10) inches embedded into the chest cavity, more people than ever before are familiar with the hospital setting through their interaction with emergency room. To that extent, the emergency room has emerged from the "front lines" of medical care to becoming both a source of primary care and a substitute for patients who ordinarily should be hospitalized. The consequential over-crowding, pressure, eclectic patient population and increased expectations make for a unique environment that requires distinct coping skills.
tips on getting treated
The definition of success as a patient in the emergency room is merely "To Be Treated." To that end, I suggest the following:
- Be persistent;
- Whenever possible, vomit on hospital personnel;
- Irregardless of your degree of pain, scream as if you just found out your mother-in-law is moving in; and
- Faint or hyperventilate.
There is no emergency room busy season or slow time since people have accidents and do stupid things all the time. Whether it’s an unfortunate victim of a car crash or a cute, but incredibly stupid, little boy with a piece of a crayon stuck up his nose (I was cute though), the emergency room is always busy. To that extent, you will need to follow the above instructions in order to obtain prioritized care. While I doubt this is printed in medical school textbooks, the general rule in the emergency room is that the loudest person gets treated first. Exceptions are made for those patients who faint, hyperventilate or vomit. However, the vomit must actually strike a member of the emergency room staff to be prioritized ahead of the "fainters" and "hyperventalators." Exceptions are also made for patients who persistently scream of pain. However, "Oh My God, It’s Killing Me" won’t rise to the exception level. You will need to be more creative such as, "I’m In So Much Pain, I Could Sit Through Two (2) Hours Of PBS Television Programming!" or "If You Don’t Give Me Something For The Pain Soon, I Will Leave, Quit My Job At The Post Office And Come Back!"
Seriously, I have tremendous respect for emergency room personnel because of what they are required to do and the conditions in which they are required to function. I also admire their willingness to accept the awesome responsibility of being in the "front lines." However, my "prioritized care" suggestions are not far-fetched and are actually based on personal experience. Take the feeling of "pain" as an example. It is a typical complaint of emergency room patients but is usually intermittent and does not occur every second. Sometimes a movement or activity triggers it, other times it is spasmodic. However, once you acknowledge to emergency room personnel that the pain "comes and goes," your priority will have "came and went." It’s funny but it’s logical as emergency room personnel must be initially concerned with only the life-threatening or most serious cases. Therefore, if you have pain, scream! I am not encouraging you to lie or exaggerate your condition. I am just suggesting that you clearly emphasize the severity of your condition. However, if another patient seems more deserving of immediate care, be considerate and tell the attendant.
My first truly life-threatening but non-ambulance visit to an emergency room was due to an intestinal "obstruction." While shut down for business, the natural peristalsis of my intestine nonetheless forced air and fluid to continue through and attempt to penetrate the occluded or "obstructed" portion of my intestine. When I began to experience the resulting child labor-like pain, I was at my parent’s house. They called my gastroenterologist and were told to immediately take me to the hospital in Manhattan at which he had admitting privileges. According to my doctor, my condition warranted immediate attention because the obstruction could cause an intestinal perforation. If that happened, he emphasized that I could die. When we arrived at the emergency room, it was filled-to-capacity with a broad range of patients. There were people bleeding from stab wounds, children crying and weekend warriors with knee and back problems. Given my perilous condition, my doctor had called ahead to notify the emergency room of my arrival. Despite my hair-raising screams and his instructions to admit me, I was told to sit in the waiting room.
My father, not being able to tolerate my suffering, literally carried me to the front desk and begged for the attendant to reconsider and facilitate my treatment and admission. She hardly flinched, however, and with the calmness of a librarian asked me for my insurance card. When I started to reach for my wallet, the pain made me double-over and I continued screaming. My father reached for my wallet and tried to find my insurance card. At the same time he pleaded for the attendant to summon a doctor immediately. The attendant said that there was an approximate one (1) hour wait. As my pain was spasmodic, I had several lucid pain-free intervals. During one, I sarcastically remarked, "Boy, the food must be really good!" She gave me a puzzled look. I then yelled, "I’m not here for dinner reservations, I am having an intestinal obstruction!" Before she countered with a snide remark, the pain kicked in again. However, this time it reached an unprecedented level.
when all else fails, vomit!
Along with the unprecedented pain came that strange anticipatory feeling in my gut. I sensed that something was about to projectile out of my body; I just couldn’t pinpoint the exact second. (In case you’ve never vomited, that strange anticipatory feeling is similar to the one immediately prior to male orgasm - except completely different!!!) As I was attempting to bear down on the pain and maintain my composure, the attendant began asking me mundane medical background questions. I felt like my body was about to explode. Much to the chagrin of the attendant, I was right. I vomited all over her desk but, luckily, some rebounded and landed on her blouse. Then I passed out. When I awoke several hours later, I was in a bed admitted to the medical floor. I’m not sure whether it was my screaming, vomiting or fainting but I have a feeling either one on its own would have gotten me that room. However, I’m not sure the vomiting would have worked without the fortuitous rebound. Ergo, my advice to aim!
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About the Book
Confessions of a Professional Hospital Patient
The book, written with the insight worthy of a physician but from a patient’s perspective, relates the TRUE goings on in hospitals and medical care today. Through Mr. Weiss’ sharing of his most intimate, embarrassing and funny experiences, the book takes you through chapter upon chapter of useful nuggets of information on such important topics as preparing for the hospital stay, coping with nurses in the middle of the night, communicating with doctors, getting treated in the emergency room, creating privacy and dignity in the often demeaning hospital setting, dealing with the pain and setbacks associated with recuperation/rehabilitation and pursuing payment/reimbursement from bureaucratic managed care companies.
In addition to the book being a very useful source of practical information for prospective hospital patients and their families, it is unique in its blend of humor and candor in addressing a delicate and uncomfortable topic. As a bonus, Mr. Weiss’ personal story is truly inspiring and the manner in which he conveys his experiences is entertaining, funny and poignant.
About the Author
Michael A. Weiss is a successful and well-respected thirty-eight year old attorney/MBA who unfortunately has been hospitalized more than fifty (50) times due in large part to his seventeen-year battle with Crohn’s Disease. Crohn’s Disease is an "auto-immune" and incurable illness usually causing painful inflammation in the intestines, small bowel and colon. The Disease and its complications have caused Mr. Weiss to undergo numerous abdominal surgeries, hernia surgeries, knee surgery and most recently, serious spine-fusion back surgery. The Disease’s "auto-immunity" component has also caused Mr. Weiss to endure comical hospitalizations and emergency room visits for seemingly "run-of-the-mill" ailments such as indigestion, stomach viruses, colds, kidney stones, etc. His somewhat handicapped "recovery" time from these surgeries and afflictions and often-unpredictable medical reaction to prescribed treatments and medications have baffled his physicians and caused him to take the reins on his healthcare. Mr. Weiss has experienced all of the above in different hospitals, different states, with different doctors and at various stages throughout his life. He has been exposed to interactions with the medical establishment at all levels from the medical, surgical, psychological and rehabilitation wings to the corporate boardroom of stingy managed care companies fighting (and winning!) for coverage and reimbursement. Through it all, he maintained his sense of humor and escaped with his dignity and life intact. While as a young adult he struggled with these problems, he did not let it stop him from pursuing his dream of becoming an attorney and earning a MBA degree. So, while his account of the hospital patient experience is informative and funny, it is also inspirational for patients and their family members. Mr. Weiss hopes his story can also help develop a guide for hospitals and health care workers as to how it and they should carry out their respective responsibilities. Mr. Weiss is also actively involved in established an internet "message board"/network so that hospital patients can talk to one another and find comfort in each other’s fears, concerns, hopes and funny stories. If Mr. Weiss is successful, lonely and scared hospitalized children can talk to others around the world at anytime of the day or night simply at the click of a mouse. Mr. Weiss’ efforts in this regard begin on the Message Board at
Mr. Weiss currently practices healthcare, elder, business and entertainment law in Clifton, New Jersey. He also often serves as a patient advocate helping patients aged five to ninety-five fight for their rights with respect to hospitalization, physician treatment, managed care and reimbursement issues. He has been a Board Member of the Crohn’s & Colitis Foundation of America and is also an adjunct professor at New York’s Audrey Cohen College’s Executive MBA Program in Media Management lecturing on "Contract Negotiations & Drafting." He frequently writes articles on contractual issues concerning the film, television and internet industries and often lectures on patient/elder rights with respect to care, cost of care, guardianships and nursing home care/cost/planning.