She Loved Me, She Loved Me Not

Just know most parents are really not evil. They are often lost in such fear and misery they do not realize how much harm they are inflicting on others. Some are treating children the way they were treated. Others are depressed or impaired. I think if everyone would walk a mile in her shoes it would help. It does not make it right. It just is.

Peggy, a fifty-four-year-old woman whose mother died at age forty-nine of chronic alcoholism.

Had I written this book right after my mother’s death, the tone would have been angrier, more defensive, less compassionate, and probably not as helpful. Instead, with the passage of time and much soul searching, like the fifty-four- year-old woman quoted above I was able to come to an understanding of the complexity and motivation of my mother, and thus to some resolution.

In the following pages I will share my own story and those of others who have experienced the loss of a parent after a conflicted relationship. I have divided the book into two sections: the first is my personal account and the second is an explanation of the issues involved in parent loss after a conflicted relationship as well as ideas about how to work toward resolution. These two sections are quite different and the reader may want to read them separately, depending on their mood and need at the time.

In 1992, my mother died unexpectedly of a heart attack at the age of 78. I was living in California, she in Maine. She had been active and busy until the day she walked out of her door with chest pains, drove herself to the doctor’s office, and never returned home. When I arrived at her house several days later, her daily diary was open on the kitchen table where she had been writing in it--her dog was hiding under the bed.

My mother, the most powerful person in my life, had died. She had always been in control, no matter what she had to do, whether it was manipulating, intimidating, or simply forcing her way until the weaker person, including her children, gave in. It was hard for me to believe that she had allowed this to happen. Death had outsmarted her.

That night I sat in bed writing in my journal. Mom had died, yet it didn’t seem possible. I was unaware of what the following year had in store for me: anger, guilt for my anger, obsessive thoughts (could I have done something to cause this?), terrible feelings of loss and longing, relief, shame, and anxiety. I experienced physical illness, tension with my siblings, and surprise and confusion from my friends. I heard remarks like "We thought you would be relieved!" It wasn’t that simple.

Up, down, and around went my feelings as I tried to work through my ambivalence about the loss of this woman with whom I sometimes felt so angry that I literally wanted to kill her, while at other times I found myself proudly bragging about her accomplishments.

While she was alive it often made me sick to look at her picture, but after she died, I wanted her pictures about. While living, I would cringe and stiffen when she tried to hug me as we said goodbye. After her death, her old worn sweater wrapped around me, like arms, brought comfort.

I was not able to find the support I hoped for from my three siblings. Emotionally we did not experience her loss in the same way, and I learned eventually not to force my feelings on them. I found it helpful to learn, while reading How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies, by psychologist Therese A. Rando, that "bereaved people tend to grieve in much the same manner as they conduct the rest of their lives." Personalities do not suddenly change at the time of death, and our normal ways of coping continue. Although I needed to express my feelings openly, this did not mean my brother would, and yet I had expected him to do just that.

Looking for support, I joined a bereavement group, but instead of feeling better, I felt worse because anger, ambivalence, and negative feelings were not discussed. This was a mixed group where some had lost spouses, some children, others siblings, and a few, parents. My loss of an elderly parent seemed insignificant in contrast to their losses. As Catherine M. Sanders, Ph.D., states in her book Grief: The Mourning After, "There appears to be impatience with the grief of a bereaved adult child, as though it does not require much attention or long-term reaction." I will never forget the comfort I felt when returning to work and hearing a colleague who had just lost her father say to me, "I have returned to work, but I feel as though I’m living an illusion of normalcy."

As I often do when I want confirmation of my feelings and thoughts, especially when they seem contrary to mainstream thinking, I began to read whatever I could about normal reactions to parent loss and also about reactions when there had been an inordinate amount of conflict. I was relieved to find that many of my feelings were normal. The most helpful book I read was How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies, mentioned above, by Therese A. Rando, Ph.D., an expert in the field of death. The problem, however, was that most of the popular books put little emphasis on conflicted relationships.

It was only by searching through the stacks at university libraries that I was able to find much information on the topic, and what I found was written for professionals rather than for the general public.

Because of my own experience, I decided to write something for adults who had lost a parent after a conflicted relationship. I wanted to share my experience and the information I had learned from my library research. As I began to write, I felt that there was a piece missing. I had my own experience and, fortunately, the experience of a friend who went through a similar process, but apart from this and my research, I had no other input. Consequently, I decided to advertise so I could hear from others who had experienced a similar loss. Over a period of about one year I placed enquiries with several news groups on the Internet and advertised in newspapers. I was encouraged because, although only nine completed questionnaires, the importance of the topic to them was great. I was very moved by their openness and honesty and realized that for some, this was the first time they had discussed their experience.

There are many variables that influence a person’s reaction when someone dies. It may have been a sudden death or a long, drawn-out painful death. Sometimes the adult child is able to work through difficult issues with his or her parent before that parent dies, but this is not always the case. The sex of the child, his or her religious and cultural beliefs, whether he or she has previous significant losses and how these were handled--all of these factors influence the present situation. Although I will not take all of these variables into consideration here, I ask you to keep in mind that each person’s experience is unique.

This is neither a formal study nor necessarily a representative sample, but rather an attempt to bring an issue that is frequently considered taboo, out into the open. My intent is to offer information about these complex issues while at the same time providing reassurance and permission to those who might otherwise have suffered privately from feelings of shame and guilt.