1 Eyed Monkey

Remember the Time

I was on my way to the club one night, when I had the sudden urge to pull off and pick up a big gulp at the nearest Sheetz. There is, of course, only one Sheetz. The perfect blend of nacho cheese and sauerkraut filled those hallowed aisles on a nightly basis. When I entered the fine establishment I espied someone I had known many years ago. I walked up to him and hugged him. I then proceeded to tell him every sordid detail of my life over the past ten or so years. I regaled him with tales of kinky sex, threesomes, gay bars and cheap whores. I left out no detail, no matter how small or insignificant. I then let out a raucous laugh and took a swing at him. The feisty devil was quick, but not quick enough. He then picked himself up off the floor and said the oddest thing.

“Sir I have no idea who you are, nor do I wish to know. I simply work here. You’ve been coming in here for five years now and each and every time you do this to me. I have had nightmares about some of the shit you’ve told me. I’ve had to go to therapy. My wife left me. I have no money. I’m lonely and I work at a food mart. “So for the love of God, if there is a heavenly father, will you please just pay for your hot dog with sauerkraut and go!”

That crazy Sammy! What else could I do? I let out a roar and put him in a headlock. I gave him noogies, all the while saying “Whose your buddy?” He loved it! Then I was off. I had to get to the club early. I jumped in my ride, Duke boy style. It was a Honda Civic, black as night and fast as a pistol. I pulled up to the light and laughed at some jackass in an IROC. I picked out a boogie just for him then flicked it with a wink. By the time I had gotten to the club, I was damn ready to dance. I parked the pimpmobile and headed for the door. It was then that I saw that crazy Asian, Marcos. He frightened me. Every time I walked by him he would smack his knee and say “Hey little boy, come over here and sit on Santa’s lap.” I would have no choice. I always sat on Santa’s lap, but I never got any gifts. He sure was happy every time though. I guess that’s why he’s Santa right? On my way up the ramp, I saw another buddy of mine. This was an old wrestling buddy of mine. I said “Hey Vardez, what’s been going’ on?” Then I tackled him. I pinned him hard. He didn’t put up much of a fight though. Man he used to be a whole lot tougher than that. I asked him why he changed so much and he just started talkin’ gibberish.

“What’s your problem man? My name’s not Vardez and I have no f***ing clue who you are.”

I just chuckled and said, “Have another!” That crazy Vardez!! He always was quite the character. I laughed when I thought about his old car. I yelled back to him, “Vardez, you remember that old Camero you used to have?” I couldn’t hear his reply but something told me he wanted to go another round. I bolted at him at top speed and leveled him with my forearm. He didn’t say much after that, so I laughed. “Remember that one? The forearm shiver! Man I remember the time when you hit me like that. Payback sucks though doesn’t it?” I began to dance and point at him. I then boogied my way into the club.

Once inside, I could see all of the lovely ladies. I said “hey ladies” and they loved it! I then proceeded to do a couple shots of Goldschlager and decked the guy to my right. It seemed to be ok with him since he was a midget and I only gave him a high five. The little guy just couldn’t match my force. It’s ok though since we’re buddies.