Early Bird Special!!! And 174 Other Signs that You Have Become a Senior Citizen

Tell-Tale "Health" Signs

You have a good ear and a bad ear

You can dial your doctor’s number without looking it up

You have your own decorated pillbox

You log more miles at night going to and from the bathroom than you do on your daily walk

You know more about your prescription medicines than your pharmacist does

You can’t get into or out of your car without grunting

You show up a half-hour early for your doctor appointments "in case they can take me in early"

You need a sweater on your shoulders 340 days a year to "keep the chill off"

You wear a jogging outfit for any occasion except jogging

You experience all the side effects listed on any prescription or over-the-counter drug

You know where the rest rooms are in every store in which you shop

Hear, Hear!!

When I was age 20, I could hear a demure voice two rooms away. At age 35, I could hear the deep breathing of my children two floors above. At age 50, I could hear the drip of a faucet two floors below. But, alas, now that I’m a Senior Citizen I have one good ear and one bad ear. And I don’t hear diddlysquat.

Having only one ear that can hear higher frequencies and that can clearly distinguish between words has advantages as well as disadvantages. Here are just a few: Since I usually cannot hear the preacher’s sermon I assume God didn’t intend it to apply to me anyway. My wife’s anger is easily measured by its increasingly higher frequency, which even my good ear cuts out on after a certain level. I miss most of the conversation at parties, which I have found to be a great way to maintain friendships.

I almost never hear criticism. Screeching cats, squealing tires, and screaming babies don’t bother me at all. Neither do sirens in the night, sharp tongues, or the sloppy diction of teenagers. Do I hear the shrill ring of the telephone? Forget it. Or the incessant clicking of the car’s turn signal miles after the turn has been made? Never happen. Can I hear the swishing sound of a silk nightie on silk bed sheets? Only in my dreams.

Often not being able to distinguish between words has its embarrassing moments. Once I thanked someone for the compliment, "Your beard is really great!" only to find out what had been said was "Your beard is really gray!" Of course, having only one good ear also has its funny moments, as when I thought the announced church hymn was, "Wise up, Jerusalem."

So if hearing has become a problem, get a hearing aid, you say. Or stand closer to the speaker, learn to lip read, or turn up the volume. Sure, easy for you to say, but I don’t know of anyone who enjoys having a mechanical device stuck in his or her ear. And what are you supposed to do with your pinkie finger if you don’t have an empty ear to stick it into? Besides, hearing aids don’t work for everybody. And, okay, there’s the vanity factor. It’s hard to look cool when wearing a hearing aid.