Act Like A Man
A Collection of Plays Starring The Average Adult Male
by
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AJ, what are you afraid of? And don’t say you don’t
want me to get hurt, because you relish every chance you get to say, “I told
you so.”
AJ
I very rarely relish things.
CHRIS
Now you’re just avoiding the subject.
AJ
Alright, fine. You want to know why I hate this
situation? You want the truth? Okay, you’re right. I don’t care if you get
hurt. You’re a big boy, I’m not going to hold your hand while you make the
mistakes that affect your life. And you’re right, I do like saying, “I told you
so.” This is not about you trying this relationship with this girl and failing.
That I can live with. I’ve got a problem with what happens if this relationship
goes as far as you currently hope it will.
CHRIS
Like you know.
AJ
Contrary to what you might believe, I do listen to
you from time to time. Your little schpiel about how adults live--having kids
and Little League and what not--it’s not coincidental that you have this great
night with this one chick and the next day you’re talking about the PTA. I’m
not afraid of you shooting the moon and coming up short--I’m afraid--one
day--you’re gonna make it.
CHRIS
Why--
AJ
What’s wrong with what we got here, eh? This is
great. You’re right, this is not how adults live. But that’s what’s so great
about it! This--
(He points out the surroundings.)
--is fun. You talk about your backyard barbecues with
suburban neighbors, your kids and your wife, but nobody has fun with those
things. If you’re lucky, your kids will only disrespect you. Some parents have
to worry about kids who become pyromaniacs, kleptomaniacs, drug users or drug
pushers and even some children who get their kicks shooting up a school. With
wives, at best she’ll only shop you into the poorhouse. Of course, she could
always cheat on you, destroying your already fragile self-confidence. Or, for
laughs, she’ll just cut off your penis while you’re sleeping.
CHRIS
Now that’s not fair. The Bobbitt thing is off
limits! You are not allowed to bring that up with another guy! That’s the
ultimate trump card. We’ve got no response for that.
AJ
An as for suburbia on the whole--Neighborhood
politics are the worst. Pot luck picnics and block parties and bridge clubs.
All that phony greeting bullshit in the mornings or afternoons. “Hey, Bill, you
working hard or hardly working?” Everybody sticking their noses in everybody
else’s business, without paying enough attention to their own. You’ll get
people telling you to clean up your yard, trim your hedges, or mow your
lawn--all for the sake of the community. Total strangers will tell you how to
take care of your property, and they’ll do it in the most contemptible ways.
“Whoa, Chris, grass getting a little high there, isn’t it?” And all the while,
the wife harping at you to do what they say, because she doesn’t want to be
embarrassed when they bring up the “Malone Savanna” at the next block party.
It’s all phony, Chris. When people get married, they forget how to have fun, so
they pretend that everything is fun, while complaining about it at the same
time. And despite this hellish existence, you’ll go to bed each night with a
giant, shit-eating grin, and thank the Lord you got married and had kids,
because now you’re complete. That’s what success leads to in these romantic
endeavors of which you speak.
CHRIS
(After a pause.)
It’s sad that this is a speech that we have made
before. Hearing it now, it is pretty damn sad that we have inflicted this on
other people.
AJ
Formats
Book Details
About the Book
This is a collection of plays concerning how the
average man deals with average problems. In the first short play, a man tries
all methods possible to get out of a serious marriage conversation with his
girlfriend.
Following that, two friends at a dog-track try to
cope with the revelation that one has slept with the other’s wife. This serious
problem demands a serious, adult solution, which these two grown men are
incapable of deriving.
The next insert, a two-act performance, is another tale
of two immature men--two confirmed bachelors. One of the bachelors threatens to
leave the brotherhood, and dares to tread the waters of adult relationships
after meeting an interesting and attractive woman. The other bachelor tries to
talk him out of it, and tears down the entire system along the way.
And finally, the last play concerns a man’s long
drive to his best friend’s wedding. As he drives, his opinions of the
institution of marriage constantly change, and he debates whether or not to
stop the wedding.
Though these men seem plagued with anxiety, they
somehow manage to have fun with their troubling situations, which makes them
amusing to watch, read and perform.
About the Author
Jeremey Gingrich was born in Germany and has lived
in many exotic locales since. He’s hung his hat in Spain, New Jersey, Virginia,
and Canton, Georgia, just to name a few. His family is scattered all about the
country as well, with roots in Kentucky, Texas and California. Gingrich spent
his college years at the United States Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs
and acted as Assistant Coach for their Division 1 College Basketball team
following graduation. He is currently an officer in the Air Force, living in
Columbia, South Carolina. Jeremey continues to write numerous plays, and the
occasional novel, and he is active in community theatre, with acting credits at
Columbia’s Town Theatre and Workshop Theatre.