DRAGON LADY

I woke up to the sounds of our local disc jockeys chattering and nattering to one another.  I was still loitering in a semi-conscious twilight zone trying to determine if the day was worth facing when I heard one of these men comment about a celebrity’s reference to a woman’s nipples as being pepperoni size.

I make reference to this remark because if I had sweet dreams still beckoning me to sleep that abruptly vanished with this absurd quote.  I immediately sat up, placed my legs over the bedside, and stroked the soles of my feet on the silky, sensual soft fur of my sheepskin rug.  While I pondered over this comment, I remembered my grandmother imparting a tiny little wisdom of her own.  She had said, “In my day, women knew a way to a man’s heart was through his stomach.”  

With this remembrance of her wonderful century long existence, I muttered aloud to her ghost, “Grandma, things haven’t changed much.”

Then, I decided when I was well-known I would refer to my magnificent memory of some men with a food remark too.  “He had a rear end that reminded me of two Boston Round roasts, and when you turned him around you were confronted with a thick sausage too.”

I rose and peered critically at my own breasts in the mirror.  As my stomach growled, I conducted my own critical assessment of myself.  I saw watermelons, pepperoni, hams, and an ample side of beef.  If it was true men loved food, I was a entire feast for someone’s hungry, starving eyes.