''Jamie''

Jamie paced back and forth across the worn out wooden floor. The way he kept pacing, one might think that he was trying to wear the old mission floor thinner then it already was! But that was the furthest from his mind. The thing that he had on his mind at this time was the telegram! The one that had just been brought to him by the messenger boy, Renjo. Anyway Jamie was beside him self in thought. For you see, along with the telegram, and the fact that he was soon to be visited by his brother Frankie, and that with Frankie’s family, came many memories rushing through Jamie’s mind. These was memories that he hadn’t took the time to remember in such a long time. There were things that he wasn’t so sure about! Things that he had thought about so many times, but still kept them in some far off corner of his mind. Some things that he had kept so closed in his mind, that he faintly was aware of them; he just wouldn’t let them surface in his thoughts, so that he could face them square on.

It truly was a long time ago! Twelve long years to be exact, that had passed since he seen his brother, or anyone else in his family. Then he thought of his brother’s wife Lorraine. How would he feel toward her? How would he act being around her? Better yet, even if he managed to keep his cool, how will she react toward him? He had done a good job convincing himself up until now, that he was over her. But now as he thought about her, he wondered just how did they really feel about each other? After twelve long years apart, he wondered just what it would feel like to see her again, especially since she was now Frankie’s wife!

“But Jamie!” He said to himself, as he so often talked as though there was two of him. “Will that old feeling come back again?” As he thought about this, he moaned in a self- agonized plea; “Oh my God! Please! Please let that feeling that I had for her be gone!”

That was the thing that was really bothering him at this particular moment. He walked over to the window, and stared out it. He stared a long, long time. He let his thoughts and feelings go back into his past. Back to Lorraine. He felt that exciting warm feelings that he had had for her. He remembered the day that they had met, the day that he first laid his eyes on her. That day he laid his claim on her in his mind. That was the day he vowed in his heart that she would be his forever! She was so beautiful, and she caught his eye right off with her auburn red hair, and those soft green, with a tint of blue eyes, and her small five foot frame. The very minute he saw her made him want her so bad! At the thought of her brought back a sensuous, but sad feelings. He shook his mind free of the thought of her, and returned back to the present, as he uttered aloud.

“I just felt we could be great for each other. If only I had been different, then we could have had a better chance together!” Turning away from the window, he threw his hands up in despair, as he remembered just how he was back then.

“I know what I put her through!” I just can’t blame God for not letting me keep her. All that pain, and sorrow, why was I like that to her? She deserved something better! That is for sure! Even after she fell in love with Frankie, I could not leave her alone! I was just so jealous of them two! I just wanted to do something that would separate them. I didn’t care what, just as long as I could come between them! If I really had loved her all that much, then why, I ask myself now, didn’t I try to make her happy?”

All those ugly things that he had done came rushing like a violent storm raging back at he now. He remembered the time that he tried to take both of their lives while driving his car off the road over a steep embankment. He recalled that time clearly, the jealous feelings that he had when he thought of her ever being with anyone else, let lone his younger brother Frankie. He recalled stepping on the gas pedal until it wouldn’t go any more and letting go of the steering wheel, letting the car plunge over the embankment. He remembers the sounds of Lorraine’s screams, then the smashing of glass, the tumbling, the rolling, and rolling over and over, and then the silence. That horrible silence! There it all was before him once again, and even though it was just a memory now, it all seemed so real, and he covered his face with his hands as the thought came to him so real! He wanted to block it all out again once more.

“Oh my God, thank You so very much that you was looking out for us two that day, even though I didn’t deserve Your protection back in those awful days!”

Coming back from that bad night mare of Jamie’s past, he realized that it was getting later, and he really had to hurry and get going! Oh, but those memories! They just would not let him rest! Once again, as though he had no control over them he picked up the telegram again. His eyes went over the lines, searching through it as though it there was some thing important that he had missed.

“They are bringing Timmy.” He said; as his mind went back to a little blonde haired boy. A little boy who had his Father’s blue eyes. He was just five when Jamie left him behind.

“Will Timmy remember me?” He asked himself. In his heart he hoped that he would, but he also wondered and worried just what he would think of his dad now.

“Timmy, I wouldn’t blame you one bit if you hated me for not only what I have done to you, but not being there for you! Not being a dad to you.” All these thoughts and many, many more raced through his mind. Timmy’s life was sure one of a misfit. Jamie was not a good father to Timmy and he was never there for him from day one!

“Oh how much I owe to you now Timmy boy!” He said out loud. “How I wish that I could change things. How I wish I had been a better father to you…at the most, I should have been there for you when you were growing up! I have failed so many people, especially those who I should have been there for.”