Never Mace A Skunk II

Chapter 9

The Paranormal:
Twice as scary as a single-normal

Strange things happen to strange people.  Take relic hunters, for instance.  Often going where no man has gone before (including Civil War soldiers), we tend to experience things that the average person never does.  We’re talking about some scary stuff here: Premonitions (“ooooh!”), apparitions (“eekkk!”), and gasoline powered juvenile delinquents (“HIT THE DIRT!  HE’S GONNA BLOW!!”) Okay, so the last one needs some explanation. 

You see, not all spooky things are supernatural.  So let’s start this chapter with an episode that involved not a supernatural being, but rather a sub-natural young man.  As Butch relates the whole sordid affair:

“Sometimes we relic hunters can literally smell danger.  The musty aroma of a copperhead snake.  The distinctive fragrance of a skunk.  The whiff of ozone that precedes

As said in the first Never Mace A Skunk book, we don’t think the war was funny.  Countless brave young men gave their lives for their country, and that’s nothing to laugh about.  Having said that, there are plenty of antidotes and such showing that the soldiers had a sense of humor.  We would like to think that those soldiers would have laughed at this book, right before they demanded a refund at bayonet point.  It’s only in that spirit that we give you our twisted perspective on The War.

When asked what the Civil War was about, folks have varied opinions.  To free the slaves.  To enslave the free.  To provide history writers with a job for years to come.  To give relic hunters a hobby.  None of these are quite accurate, though.

The truth is, many today are ignorant about that war.  We could paraphrase it by quoting Bubba’s fifth grade history report, before he took an interest in relic hunting, and thus in Civil War history.

“The silver War, in the south called the War Of Northern Aggravation, was fought by people over the right to free and arm bears.  Colonial Ben Franklin whipped the Confederate Red Coats at Running Bull, but later on Father Abraham (nicknamed “Link” and later a star of the TV hit The Mod Squad) freed the slaves and then the Confederates started winning.  From New England they got a lot of their arms, and also legs, which is why it was called “ running the blockade.”  In the end, Lee surrendered because he got a job teaching at a college.  Sherman met with him, took Lee’s sword and broke it over his knee, and declared him branded.”

As you may have noticed, there are certain inaccuracies in Bubba’s report, i.e., the “s” in “Silver War” should always be capitalized.  If you want to know the true facts about this terrible war, consult a history book.  Or if accuracy is not a priority in your life, you can listen to our condensed and little-heard version of the War Between the States:

In the late 1850’s, there was a North and a South.  Both sides thought the other side talked funny, dressed funny, and ate strange foods.  Oh sure, there were other differences also, political stuff, but mainly it’s because God made both Yankees and Southerners, and then put them all together just to see what would happen.  Well, it started a war.

In 1861, the Confederates were winning that war.  In 1862, they won again, only not quite so large a margin.  In 1863, the Yankees won, and also in 1864, by which time both sides had lost.  In 1865, the war ended, and both sides realized there were no real winners in any wars.  Confused?  So were they.

Refer to the aforementioned history books to learn about the more famous battles, but keep reading if you want to know about some of the lesser-known ones.  For instance:

In the Battle of Mayberry, North Carolina, several dozen Yankees invaded Floyd’s barber shop, demanding bangs and styled hair.  Reinforced by Andy and Barney, Floyd gave them all mullet cuts instead