CONDOMS, BRAS AND STRAIGHTJACKETS

There was an old man who was considered to be the wisest in this small community.  A group of younger men approached him and questioned him.  “Old man, how did you get to be so wise?”  The old man replied “Good experiences”.  The younger men then asked “Old man how do you get good experiences?”  The old man grinned replied “Bad experiences”. 

Why would you spend the time, (and the money), to read this book?  Men typically don’t “read” self- improvement books.  Women typically do that because they’re still not happy with their life, and can’t understand why, (which is why they’re constantly searching for an answer).  Typically when men read it usually has to do with hunting, sex, fishing, sex, sports, sex, NASCAR, naked women, killing shit, sex, and maybe a little sex.  Maybe it’s time “we” did some reading for improvement of the male species.  Books have a tendency to pass on successes and/or mistakes in hope that the reader will gain some knowledge and avoid some of the pitfalls that were made by others.  Maybe by reading our “bad and good” experiences you can gain some wisdom without going through what we had to.   

STRANDED IN THE UDAIRI

This book is a product of the off duty hours of two Army officers during the Second Gulf War.  We had just arrived at Camp Wolf, Kuwait when we drove into the Udairi desert.   I watched with awe the combination of the desolation and beauty of our new environment.  Our unit arrived at Camp Udairi, Kuwait during a heavy sand storm.  It was hard to see, but I felt that once the storm abated we would be all right.  To my dismay instead of seeing soldiers “hunkered” down waiting for the end of the storm, they were outside going about their business, playing basketball and weightlifting. All of a sudden I realized, there was no storm, it was just Udairi, our “home” for the next year.  I leaned over to my buddy and said we are so, so fucked!  My friend looked at me with a look of sadness mixed with resolution and said you are so right.  This isn’t uncommon for us, we’re well trained in the art of being fucked.  We had both been married and divorced.

After completion of our duty day there wasn’t much to do in Udairi.  So without the benefit of a TV or a fireplace, we sat around and talked a lot with our fellow officers and soldiers.  We had quickly exhausted all the traditional subjects, (sex, sports, naked women, sex, hunting, sex, fishing, sex and killing shit etc….).  Eventually we started to talk about our women, bitches and babes, past and present.  What came out of those talks was a theme reoccurring so many times in my own life and my buddy’s.  My friend and I continued to talk about our losses and the penalties of loving women.  My friend had wasted 17 years of his life of love, youth and a good part of his ambition on one woman.  I chose to spread mine evenly among three.  The end result was the same, we were divorced, poor and any hope of our early retirement went out with the “rap” of the judge’s gavel. 

What was interesting was we didn’t classify ourselves as “fuck sticks”.  Neither of us had the typical asshole traits that traditionally ended relationships.  We weren’t womanizers, abusers, gamblers, drank to excess, do drugs, or were control freaks.  So why were we plagued with ungrateful, unappreciative and worthless women who’s greatest contribution to society was changing food into shit? 

The military had taught us to perform what’s called “after action reviews” on any operation after its completion.  It’s kind of a militarily sponsored self-actualization program.  We decided to apply it to our own lives in the hope to not make any more mistakes.  After long hours of our “after action review”, we determined that we weren’t “fuck sticks” as our wives thought.  We had just CHOSEN our women unwisely.  At the time of our choosing we didn’t have the wisdom we now possessed.  In retrospect we wondered how could we have been so blind?

THE NEW WORLD ORDER 

What has happened in America was the dawning of a “New world Order”, ushered in through the changing sexual mores, (meaning that shit has changed and women give it up really easy now) and the women’s liberation movement.  For the men we assumed that we were still playing by the “old rules” while the women, (and t