I’M SO MAD ‘BOUT GET’N OLD, I COULD DIE

Excerpt 1

Old!  It’s probably one of the most undesirable words in our vocabulary.  The only way it can become worse is if you change it to older, or if you let it quit you before you’re ready to quit.

Webster says the word “old” means: having existed long, aged, made long ago, ancient, much worn by age or use.  But wait.  He also defines it as: mature, having much experience.  I’ll accept the latter if you don’t mind.

Let’s face it.  The only way top cease getting older is to die, and you can’t stop getting older if you don’t.  Then it’s that short time between birth and death that counts.

You believers of reincarnation can come back as anyone you wish.  I’ll just accept those pains in my elbow and knees as minor and plow right on into that unknown they call the future, and grab all the gusto I can get.

I used to jump out of bed, slap my knees together, and greet the day with a “whoopee”.  Now I crawl out of bed, slap my knees to get them started, and cry out “ohhh” instead of “whoopee”.  Then it occurs to me that I got out of bed, and I’m actually going to meet the world head on again.

I’ve heard it said that we don’t realize we’re getting older than other people.

Excerpt 2

It’s said that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce the Ten Commandments.  There are at least 2 million lawyers in the United States who try to use those 35 million laws to either defend us or to prosecute us, depending on which one you can afford.

If mankind profits from its mistakes, we have one glorious future ahead of us.  If you believe that, I want to be your next lawyer.

I’ve heard that a jury consists of 12 people chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.  They’re also 12 people who didn’t know how to get out of jury duty.  I’ll tell you what a unanimous verdict is.  It’s like the jury that went out to deliberate, and after three days of deliberation, filed back into the courtroom.  “Have you reached a verdict?” the judge asked.  The foreman stood and said, “Yes your honor.”  “Please read your decision”, said the judge.  The foreman cleared his throat and declared, “We the jury have decided not to become involved.”

I’ve appeared in traffic court only once.  I was the only person to plead “guilty with an explanation”.  The judge did accept my plea and allowed me to pay $20 for doing so.  When I was leaving, no change hit me in the back, either.  That reminds me of the defendant who was pleading his case to the judge.  He said, “Your honor, I wasn’t going 40 miles per hour.  I wasn’t going 20 miles per hour, or even 10 miles per hour.  In fact, when the patrolman came up, I was almost at a standstill.”