Broken: Under Construction

I couldn’t believe what rested before my eyes.  Could it be that I was so blind?  How could there be such craziness going on in my life without my having a clue?  What is this he’s saying? – that after seven years of struggling to make things work, it’s not going to work?

I don’t remember much about that afternoon.  It was Sunday because that was the time I was expecting him to return.  He hadn’t called all weekend.  He usually called to make sure we were getting ready for Church, but not that Sunday.  When the phone rang, I was anxious. Hearing his voice on the other end was comforting, but nothing could have prepared me for the words he spoke:

“I won’t be coming home tonight.  I’ll see you sometime tomorrow afternoon.”  My startled response was a dumb sounding “What do you mean?”

I couldn’t believe it.  I had spent the entire weekend distracted, wondering why he hadn’t called.  I was enrolled in graduate school.  It was finals’ time.  I had a test that I had spent the entire weekend not studying for and now this.

Nearly six months had passed since things had literally begun to fall a part before my eyes.  I was a fighter and I wasn’t giving up.  We had been through too much for our relationship to just end like that.  But little did I know that whether or not my marriage ended or continued, the decision just wasn’t mine to make. There was something that outweighed all of my determination and that was God-given freedom of choice. 

It didn’t take long for things to fall a part and me to feel as if I could lose my mind at any second.  I knew I had reached the point of no return when I could no longer perform in an academic setting.  Intellect had always been my strength.  Excelling academically was a given for me, but I found myself completely withdrawn from my classes with a B and three F(s) to my credit.  I had never ever made an F, and here I was with three.  I felt stripped of everything that made me who I believed I was.

My mother came to my rescue as often mothers do.  She came that Mother’s Day to join me for my Church’s Annual Mother / Daughter Banquet.  Seeing that I wasn’t doing well, she stayed with me.  When it was time for her to leave I was deeply grieved.  She had been a breath of fresh air.  She did not want to leave, but she did the next best thing. She rescued her grandchildren from the chaos of a marriage falling apart.  Although I tried my best, I was in no shape to give them the emotional support they needed.  So that year one week before school ended they were off to live with stable adults.  I believed that at least one adult in our household had lost his mind and the other (me) was well on her way.

Even now I’m not always sure which events occurred in what order.  The initial shock was so overwhelming that I lost track of the timeline.  Stuff happened - a lot of stuff - Really fast – Painful stuff.

FALL 1999

Thinking back there are some things I can remember almost as if it were yesterday.  The weeks of near silence in the be