Diary of a Young Widow

First off, while I''m thinking of it:  I can only speak for myself but I think we, or at least I don''t like when people tell me they think I''m getting better is because I feel that they think my life is okay - it''s not. If people say I''m getting better, I feel that they then have this expectation of me. I think they feel that things should be "Normal" for me again, they''re not.  I think people expect me to "act" like I did before, "perform to the same capacity" as I did before, I can''t.  My life has been turned upside down, and I can not ever imagine it to be right side up; maybe at an angle, but not right side up.  If someone says I''m getting better, then they may think my life is right side up again.  That things are okay without Tom.  Nothing will ever be okay without Tom. That maybe I''m moving on, I''m not, I''m just adapting the best I can because I have to. Not because I''m moving on.  I think that only we can understand the complete and total impact on our lives that our spouses had, and we don''t want anyone to forget that; we can''t and won''t, but they have no way of knowing how it feels.  Our lives were so much of them that if we are ''getting better'' does that mean that we are creating a life without them?  The thought that I have a life without my husband, a functioning life, I don''t like that.  Not that I want to be dependent on him, but that means that he is further and further away from me.  I don''t want that but I have - we have no choice.  We don''t want to live life without our spouses, and I think that when people say we are ''getting better'' it means that we are, we are living life without our spouses.

I am at a numb stage.  Today I was woken up by an account agent for the hospital Tom was at in Iowa.  I still have a $90 balance on the bill.  She asked if she could speak to Tom.  I told her, I doubt that, my husband is dead.  She said she was very sorry and said why she was calling.  I told her the bill will be paid when I pay it.  And that was that.  She called at 8:00 Saturday morning.  Not a nice start to the day. Yesterday the cable company called.  I haven''t changed the cable out of Tom''s name, don''t really feel the need to do so.  I knew it was a solicitation call right away.  She asked if she could speak to Tom Larman.  I told her that if she could to please let me know so that I could because he died.  She said she was sorry, and then asked if "I" was interested in getting the premier channels!!!  I was a little taken aback and said "NO!", like "are you for real???" and hung up the phone.  Idiots.

John was going to bring me a sledge hammer so I could bash up some old counter tops that we had replaced last year.  I have some other stuff to bash up, including a wood stereo cabinet that I had put out by the street hoping someone would take it.  No one did.  I had tried before to kick it in, beat it with a shovel, but couldn''t break it.  Today I took it and kicked in the shelves, they cracked in half.  I just kept kicking at it and it broke apart.  I then kicked at the broken pieces to make them smaller.  It is very therapeutic!!!  I am still waiting for the sledge hammer to bash up the counter tops!!!  We had a couple of toilets outside too.  I broke them up a couple of weeks ago. Just bashed them against the ground and hit them with an old pipe.  I actually broke the pipe too!!!!

About the lump on my neck:  funny but last night and this morning I felt it; it seems smaller.  I said out loud, no! no it can''t be smaller, don''t go away!  I can''t tell if it is actually smaller or not.  It seems the size of a jelly bean.  I looked at Tom''s picture that I keep on my mirror - I always talk to him, and I told him that I just wanted it to be something so I could die and be with him again.   I can''t believe I think things like that now.  I never, ever, ever talked like that.  If you would have told me a year ago that I would be thinking like this, I wouldn''t have believed it.  But then again I never would have believed my husband would be dead and I''d be a widow, so there you go.  As far as Kayla wanting to die, I''m not sure. She doesn''t talk about it like I do.  Not that I talk about it a lot, but I say things like "Kayla, if you''re going to get in an accident, make sure it''s on my side of the car".  We were walking in the parking lot to group on night and an SUV came flying a