An Undertaker's Diary
Putting you in the same room as Death!
by
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FRED
Fred had joined the Co-op about a year after me and had already gained a bit of a reputation as someone…‘Best avoided’
Not that there was anything nasty of vindictive about him (indeed, deep down, Fred was well known to be the sort of person who would put himself out for his fellow man and it was even rumoured that, beneath that haggard and rough persona of his, there beat a heart of gold) but it took a ‘special kind of person’ to work with Fred.
The problem was that; whereas most undertakers had developed a natural etiquette and aptitude when it came to dealing with the public at their most vulnerable and depressed, Fred had never quite managed the art of diplomacy and was, quite frankly…about as subtle as a flamethrower!
In effect;
Fred was the undertaker equivalent of… a square peg in a round hole! (indeed, the general census of opinion was that Fred was either; secretly related to someone ‘high up’ or that The Personnel Officer had a sense of humour!)
Anyway, today was Christmas Eve and volunteers for the skeleton crew (Yes, sorry, on reflection this wasn’t really the best pseudonym to have chosen!) were thin on the ground and so, for today at least, it was me, Tony and Fred!
The day started off innocuously enough with the three of us, plus assorted ancillary staff brewing up the morning tea and making breakfast ready for the day ahead.
Fred; who was a bit of a chain smoker; was waffling on about something or other in his best Louis Armstrong drawl and stirring a cup of stewed tea when, suddenly… he started convulsing and growling like a demented werewolf!
The chatter stopped and all eyes fell up Fred as the dull undulating sound and accompanying facial spasms gripped us all…
“I think ‘es gonna have a #@%$ing heart attack!” whispered Tony
“Nah, he’s nowhere blue enough in the face! Maybe it’s just a stroke!” informed the embalmer (who had a smattering of medical knowledge and therefore considered himself the latter say Doctor McCoy (Bones?) of the Co-op.
At this point, Fred looked as if he was chewing a hand grenade and his eyes were starting to roll as he reached deep into his stomach.
“Christ, he’s going to throw up!” Tony remarked which sent everyone leaping for cover and running in all directions.
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About the Book
An Undertaker's Diary is based on the diaries that the author kept during his 7 years as an undertaker.
The stories are told 'through his eyes' and in a ‘raw and down to earth way that will absorb the reader in each and every varied encounter with death.
This is not for the 'fainted hearted' and contains gruesome and often disturbing accounts of tragedy and death from plane crashes to house fires, murders to hit and runs. If you have ever wanted to be a 'fly on the wall' at some of the most disturbing scenes imaginable… this is the book for you!
About the Author
Paul Reginald Seymour was born in
Desperate for work he joined the only profession willing to offer him a job at the time and, at the tender age of 16, became an undertaker for the Co-Operative Funeral Service!
In his 7 years 'at the Co-op' Paul saw (and smelt!) things that were to change his life forever. In fact, he was so touched and effected by the terrible things he saw and witnessed that he decided to record some of the more shocking (but often comically tragical) events in a series of diaries which he has now published for the very first time.
Paul has won several awards (including the BBC Christmas Poetry Award (2001) and the Short Story Award at the Bexley Competitive Festival of Arts and Literature 2 years in a row) for his unique and ‘down to earth’ style of writing and has had several books published to date (with an Undertaker's Diary being his third).