Big Sister

Rena watched Jennie approach out of the corner of her eye. She was about to break her heart. They were supposed to have been a forever family. Yet a big piece of them had drifted away. Everything she’d read about the impact of divorce on children had stopped her from filing so many times. Now Mark was about to make that irrevocable choice all on his own.

In the hustle and fury of daily life, she’d pushed aside the deep longing she’d always had for his eager and willing support, for the little kindnesses and occasional hugs that didn’t necessarily lead to the bedroom. From the beginning, it seemed his love had been conditional; and not a fantasy that she could somehow whip into the froth of a fairy tale ending.

The reality was—he’d left them.

“Daddy’s gone for good this time, isn’t he?” a small voice asked.

Rena sighed heavily, then raised her head and looked into eyes as dark as night. “I’m afraid so, sweetie.” She wanted to scream, seeing the pain crumple her baby’s beautiful face. Couldn’t Mark see what damage he was doing? She’d been a fool to keep hoping that her love could some how move them past his growing disdain. She’d made excuses, she’d pleaded, she’d done everything in her power to smooth his way both at home and professionally. But it wasn’t enough.

Jennie turned away, trying hard to muffle her sobs. She was a daddy’s girl. How would she live through this? How would any of them? Mark had been yelling at all of them for months—about nothing really. But he hadn’t left.

Until today.

Rena rose and went to Jennie, pressing the small sturdy body against hers, her chin resting against fragrant hair, her cheeks damp.

“I know. It hurts so much,” Rena said through her tears, thinking that this had to be worse than when she’d been a child, and her mother had pushed her away at the end of each day, too tired from her job. But at least she’d been there every night.

Mark was about to become a phantom, stopping by his barn for his equipment, as if he were an estranged neighbor and not their husband and father.

“Couldn’t you do something to make him stay?” Jennie asked. She pushed Rena away, looking furious. “Couldn’t you just not argue with him or something? You guys are always yelling too much. I can’t stand it. What are we supposed to do now? It’s all Lily’s fault, isn’t it? I wish I’d never asked for a stupid baby sister.”

Rena held back a retort. Mark had started to drift away even before Lily’s arrival, though his recent detachment was a direct result of Lily’s adjustment difficulties. However, it wasn’t something she wanted to share with a distraught ten-year-old who liked to argue.

She sighed again, then rubbed the tired spot between her eyes, thinking of the frightened child she’d met in Guangzhou three years ago. What had Mark expected? Lily had been ripped away from all she knew; the sights, sounds and smells too scary and foreign for her little girl brain to accept. While Jennie had been resilient, Lily had not. Looking back, that first year with Lily had been a blur. She’d cried every night, until she’d pulled out the living room sleep sofa, and lay with her, able to reach out and touch her when she stirred.

Then there’d been the viruses—that entire first winter—one after the other—the worst when Jennie had spiked a hundred and four degrees; and Lily right behind her at a hundred and three.

Meanwhile, she’d kept paying the bills, juggling her time, trying to maintain her business, while performing the role of both breadwinner and homemaker, walking on eggshells around Mark’s hair-trigger temper.

Mark had been reluctant to adopt a second child. Agreeing to Lily had been to keep her quiet—so he’d said. Some might say that they shouldn’t have adopted Lily, considering his ambivalence. But the thought made her sick to her stomach. Life without either girl was unimaginable; and who said adoptive families were any less human than other families?