Behind a Painted Smile
About a woman who hides all the hurt, pain, fears and emotions that life has thrown at her.She hides behind a false face,being her painted smile.
by
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As 2003 drew to a close I began the difficult task of building a new life. I was certain that Daniel, my late son, was giving me the strength to look at myself in a positive way, rather than dwelling on the turmoil and heartbreak of the past. For me, starting over again is about creating a positive self-image, letting the world see the real face of Rosie Shannon that has for so long remained hidden behind a painted smile.
Even though the psychological effects of the physical and sexual abuse my brother inflicted on me throughout my childhood and teenage years will never go away, I had to move on. The awful memory of Daniel's death in a road traffic accident still haunts me, yet I must learn to live with it. Although these terrible things remain deeply embedded in my subconscious I am becoming stronger in dealing with them when they surface. Not being as naive as I once was has helped me develop a clearer view of life.
From this point I made a decision to focus on reality rather than pretence and I chose to concentrate on stengths rather than weaknesses. For example, my singing voice improved to the point where I could perform in public with greater confidence than ever before, mainly at local karaoke evenings, but it still meant facing an audience. When I first began my singing lessons I would face the wall, turning away from my voice coach. I couldn't look at her when I sang, whether it was embarrassment or just a lack of confidence I wasn't sure, but things have certainly improved in that department.
I will always believe that Daniel's spirit continues to guide me and he is the one I turn to in times of difficulty. A young woman working in one of the shops in Retford, my hometown, knew this and gave me the telephone number of a spiritualist medium called Michael of whom she spoke very highly. I made an appointment to see him. At my appointment he put me at ease before producing a set of coloured ribbons from which he asked me to choose a selection. From my choice he was able to see into my life and everything he told me was true. He knew about the pain my father had suffered before he died, about my traumatic upbringing and about my brother abusing me. He even told me that my son Daniel's life had been cut short, but had sent me a message saying,"everything would be alright". Even now, if I'm concerned about anything, I know that I can telephone this man, and he will advise me what to do.
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About the Book
I chose to write this particular book, mainly to prove something to myself and other people just how a person such as myself can progress in their lives. After surviving both physical and sexual abuse in my past from a family member. Having to live with the turmoil of placing my children in the care of other families.My worst nightmare of which I had to come to terms with, was when my son Daniel was killed in a road traffic accident in 2001. I chose to write all of my thoughts and emotions down, instead of having any kind of councelling. As each day passes by, I know that with my partner who is so understanding, that I can overcome anything that life chooses to throw at me. Although, I do not allow my emotions to be seen, as each day the first thing I do is put my make up on, which is what I would call my "mask".This to me makes life so much easier as nobody has any idea of what I am thinking or feeling. Each day I write on a calender the events of my daily routine.That is how it became to be written in diary form,and then even I could see the progress I had made in my life.Should I ever be concerned about something, or not be too certain of anything, I think of what my late son Daniel would have told me.He would of said "go for it mum".
About the Author
When I first began to write, I found a new meaning, that life really is what you make it. Such as I cannot talk to people about my problems. However, I can share them by writing for people to read.Being able to write is something that I had never considered doing, until I sat down one evening with an A4 writing pad and found that once I had began I could not stop. The words just seem to come naturally, and in the process it helped me to overcome so many things that have happened in my life.I can honestly say that to begin with I was not certain about all the 'limelight' that comes with being an author. However, I think that I have gone past that stage now, where people recognised me in the street and asked, if I am "that author?" I have had people asking if I have had a writing course, the answer is no. All that I write does come straight from the heart, all my emotions and feelings wrapped into one.I must say that I enjoy writing more than anything else, I just wished that I had done it sooner.The feedback that I have had previously has been tremendous.If I had the chance to do it all again I would. If by writing, means it can help not just myself but other people too, then it would have all been worthwhile.