Poop Tales
The Perfect Reading Material for Any Bathroom A Compilation of Hilarious Stories
by
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As usual, I ate too much and I am as bloated as a road kill raccoon that has been baking in the sun for 10 hours. The first grumbling in my stomach reminds me that I probably shouldn’t have chased down that third bowl of chili with that second piece of Key lime pie, followed with two cups of coffee. Those of you who do not drink coffee may be surprised to hear that not only does a nice, strong cup of java give you a caffeine kick-start to the day, but it also kick-starts most colons. Despite the persistent grumbling in my tummy, I decide to push forward for the 15-minute drive home. A short 5 minutes later however, the stirring turned to churning and the pressure began to build. I realized that I was beyond turning around and I began to disregard the speed limit. With every second, my stomach churned more and more. I’m not kidding, this was getting serious. My stomach felt like it was a pop bottle that had been shaken for 3 straight days and left in 90-degree heat. At this moment, the most important muscle in my body was no longer my heart, but my sphincter which was about to be put to the test. I was clenching the steering wheel with a death grip and a cold sweat was beading off my forehead. I’ve got about two minutes left in my journey and I seriously doubt that I’m going to make it. Although my wife left a good 2 minutes ahead of me, I pulled into the driveway right behind her. Normally I would help the kids out of the car, but there is absolutely no time. As I do a butt-clinching run across our lawn to the front door, my wife only shakes her head in disgust. She has absolutely no sympathy for my predicament, as she has warned me to change my eating habits repeatedly. I catch a glimpse of my bewildered three year old daughter’s face and faintly hear “why is Daddy running into the house, Mommy?” My wife’s disgust is evident in her voice as she answers, “Daddy is potty training too, sweetie.” My hands felt like lobster claws as I simultaneously fumbled around with my keys and unbutton my pants at the front door of my home. I’m less than 10 seconds away from the most powerful release of my life, whether I’m in the bathroom or not. I can actually see that big, beautiful bowl down the hall. I can’t help wonder if the fact that the lid is down will be the difference between sweet, unscathed relief or pure humiliation of being called “Mr. Poopy pants” by my wife for the rest of our marriage. In one complete and swift motion; I flip the lid, swing the rear around, and began to release the hounds in mid air. For that one instant I am feeling the greatest release of bodily tension that anyone on earth has ever felt. Normally, I would sit and savor such comfort; only to basque, twitch and shudder slightly from such a beautiful escape. Butt glory quickly turned to doom, as reality hits me like a sledge hammer. I suddenly am faced with the ugly truth that in the smooth, yet aggressive flip of the lid, it had ricocheted back and closed just underneath me as I went to sit down. A split second later, following the upside down volcanic blast, I felt as if a warm chocolate milk shake was being poured up my back. I slowly turned around and to my horror I see my own sludge on the walls and the base of the sink. Upon realizing what had just happened, a terrible stench crept up my nostrils. I hear knocks at the door and my daughter says “what’s that smell Daddy?” She and my wife, both have weak stomachs and I can hear them gagging as they fight back the hurls. I was literally stuck in there for close to an hour cleaning the bathroom and myself up.
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About the Book
Many people say, “You can’t judge a book by its cover”. That saying definitely doesn’t apply in this case, because the title and picture say it all. In this book the vulnerability of us all is humorously exposed as we typically find ourselves trying to hide the human condition, which has been passed down throughout mankind.
If you breathe, then you eat, if you eat then you poop. No one is exempt from this natural act of waste disposal. However, most people will sit in misery rather than admit the need to go. Whether you are rich or poor, man or woman, you know you have been stuck in some kind of compromising situation. Maybe you have experienced the helplessness of finishing your business, only to discover an empty toilet paper cylinder at your side as you contemplate your options before heading back in to the office. Possibly it was the embarrassment of trying to expel a little gas to relieve an uncomfortable pressure, only to find a science experiment gone wrong in your drawers when the gas changed to a liquid. Or perhaps the awkwardness of a first date has been multiplied by a thousand, as you begin to feel the grumbles in your stomach set in after dinner.
Each hilarious tale tells of the experiences of the authors from many different stages in their lives. They share experiences ranging from their own childhood, through the college years, into young adulthood and finally reach full circle with funny tales about their own children. These stories have been written with every intention of making you smile if you must be stuck on the throne for any length of time. Can you honestly think of a better topic for the most notorious and infamous reading room in history?
About the Author
Jeffrey Scott and Jeffery James both grew up in small towns in Central Illinois. They met at Illinois College in Jacksonville IL where they were roommates and good friends for all 4 years. Jeffrey Scott remained in Illinois and pursued a career in Social Work and Jeffery James moved to Indiana to pursue a career in IT. Fortunately (or possibly unfortunately for those who have read the book) they remain close friends and share a demented sense of humor, which has resulted in this book. Neither have a degree in English or Journalism!