Looking 4 Love...in all the wrong places
If you search for Him with all your heart you will find Him-Deuteronomy 4:29
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Living in my past
I remember the night that I woke up from another hot and sweaty dream. There was an unexplainable fear haunting me in my sleep. I tried to bury this in the pits of my mind, but at night, in my dreams it would stir itself back up and it had an overwhelming presence. I tossed and I turned. I sat up in my bed and I noticed that my nightshirt was soaked and my heart was beating fast. My mouth was dry and my eyes were filled with tears. I was crying so hard, but I couldn't remember why. It had gotten to a point that I could not distinguish dreams from reality. I had to look around the bedroom just to remember where I was. I know that this experience was real. I know that he is real and I am still dealing with my past. Now, I see that my past is actually dealing with me and more importantly I know that I should let it go. In fact, I know that I must let it go.
I tried to move on with my life, working hard each day to look decent and not damaged. I wanted to look blessed and not as miserable as I really felt. I tried to act full, but I was running on empty. My existence felt so unfulfilled, because I longed for a life filled with some peace and a little joy. Each day, I fought back the tears with a smile on my face. The outside was always together. My hair was together and my nails were always manicured. I always coordinated my accessories well with my attire. You see my glory, but you don't know my story. This make up was just a cover up. This glamour girl appearance brought me no comfort and provided me with no peace. For years I had been working over time fixing up the outside, but the inside was where all the work needed to be done. I dressed up my fears with jewelry and a smile. But when I was alone, I was scared to go to sleep at night, fearful of the memories that waited for me. On the outside, you can see that I am a woman of style and virtue, but on the inside I am mentally fading away. I continually asked myself…“How do I let go and forgive him for what he did to me?” “How do I forgive myself for allowing this to happen, and how do I forget the pain and the abuse?” “How do I let go of the memory of being abused and overcome this frustration?”
When I close my eyes I see his face, my nose twitches from the scent of his cologne.
I can still hear his voice, telling me over and over that he will kill me if I ever leave!
“If I can't have you no one else can!”
I wanted so much to forget those things that were behind me, so that I could move forward, and press toward the goals that God had for me. I wanted even more to forgive. I knew that I had to forgive him, but I was still so afraid of him? I struggled with these mixed feelings and unsettled emotions.
Sometimes I know that we think that if we avoid unresolved issues, that they would just disappear, but emotionally you remain disturbed and stressed. Somehow, I managed to teach myself how to suppress the pain. For so many years, I operated in this manner and the unforgiveness started to show up in my dreams. This unforgiveness in my heart began to hinder me mentally and physically and affect my values and my beliefs.
I had become withdrawn from others and I never talked about this abuse to anyone. What was there to talk about? This relationship was so many years ago and there are so many miles between us. But, at night, when I closed my eyes I relived the abuse and he was still there. How strange it is, 10 years later, I am still taunted by the memories of my past. I am now married with children, but this tormenting experience weighed on me daily. This man is no longer part of my life and is now in prison, on charges not even related to our past relationship.
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About the Book
He loves me…He love me not…He loves me... He loves me NOT… As little girls many of us played pretend. Yes, in our own little minds, we filled our world with dolls, dreams, and our perfect love. Once I was grown and out on my own there was no more pretending. I was playing house and trying to handle grown folks business. I was trying so hard to enhance this romance, but I had to realize that there was no happily ever after to my story. My fairy-tale romance was turning into a horror film and I was the main character. I was on a scavenger hunt looking for love and expecting happiness. I was disappointed with the love that I found and not satisfied with the happiness I had made. He offered me a bogus brand of what I thought was real love. You know that love that looks just like the real thing and from a distance you can't tell if it's an original or just a knock off. But usually if you look at it, really examine it; you can tell that it's a fake! The stitches are different, the texture is different, but most of all the quality is different. I knew that the quality of love that Marcus offered was flawed, but I wanted it so bad, I carried it around perpetrating it as an original. He loves me….He loves me not…Yes, He loves me….. He is the complete expression of love. It is His desire to lavish so much love on me. Every good gift that I receive comes from His hand. For He is my Provider and He will meet all my needs. His plan for my future has always been filled with hope. He loves me with an everlasting love (
About the Author
Kamekio Danielle has a passion to share the love of God through ministry and fellowship with women and children. She will share with you her intimate story about her journey of life, loving, and living. Her sincere hope is that her experiences and testimonies will inform, inspire, and encourage you to seek the things of God.
A native of
“I will not forget my past, I understand my present, but I'm focusing on my future.”
--Kamekio Danielle Lewis.