The Action Man's No Nonsense Guide to Practical Fatherhood
by
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Preparing for pregnancy for a bloke starts with trying to understand the female reproductive paradigm. What this means is that women need men in order to get pregnant, at least for a couple of minutes anyway. Until women are ready to get pregnant, men, as far as women are concerned, have virtually no utility at all- unless their toilet is blocked or they drive their car into a wall again and need it fixing. During this pre-pregnancy stage women regard men as shallow, gastrointestinal embarrassments, interested in 'only one thing' (cars, football, computer games, breasts, legs, beer and so on) and women will take every opportunity to make their feelings on this very plain indeed to men they have the misfortune to interact with. They largely shun the company of men and adopt a haughtiness when approached by a curious male which might remind one of a King Cobra about to strike at a Labrador puppy that just wants to play. For that reason young men learn quickly that although women are `quite interesting' (in a `why have women's jumpers got lumps on the front'? sort of way) they might as well expend all their pent up energies playing sport, drinking beer and watching a bit of TV with their mates. They quickly learn that women don't understand how turbochargers and machine guns work, they reel from incredulity when they realise that women are useless at putting worms onto fishing hooks. Indeed apart from `One Thing' women appear pretty useless at almost everything that matters to men. During this pre-pregnancy contemplation stage women congregate in terrifying hordes, chattering about stuff men don't understand or care about (emotions and feelings, waxing, shoes, handbags, eyeliner, etc, etc). From a blokes perspective what they do and get up to in their little groups is not capable of being understood and pointless. Why, for example, do women pluck their eyelids, go to the toilet in pairs and stay in to wash their hair?. These are just three examples of a whole cosmos-worth of `woman stuff' that men will never understand, even if they could be bothered to try. This mutual expression of `other sex indifference' is a stable system which works very well UNTIL a woman decides she needs to get pregnant. At that point her life perspective alters course (with respect to men) by 180 degrees. As stated above, to get pregnant she needs to attract a man. To do this she uses a number of genetically pre-planned types of behaviour and some pretty complex techniques and equipment. Some of these behaviour patterns are instantly recognisable to men as `the green light of acceptability', others are much more subtle. Here are the things to look out for if your female acquaintance wants you to procreate with her.
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You can guarantee that any two of the above examples of behaviour exhibited in a one week period are indicative of impending pregnancy. Clearly some men don't get the option to decide when to become a parent. One minute you are watching the latest chick flick sharing a cheese and ham pizza and a bottle of Strongbow Cider and the next minute you are being dragged round Mother Care looking at prams.
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About the Book
Are you looking forward to being a father? No? Neither do many men but if no one had children then eventually the bins wouldn't get emptied, there wouldn't be people to brew beer and make television programmes. Civilisation would fall in a heap. Eventually most men recognise unfamiliar emotions which are a result of impending fatherhood. These could be anything from a mixture of incredulity at finding your wife or girlfriend in bed with the milkman, to amusement at trying to figure out why she has put on 3 stone in weight and pukes when you mention `fish supper'. It might even be the confusion you feel when you receive this book as a present. Being faced with the prospect of having a baby in your life is serious. You have two options. First to retreat into the swamp of fatherhood misery, lurching from one slime filled pit of parenting hopelessness to the next. Second is READ THIS BOOK and make your resolve to survive as a dad. Notice that this book is different to other parent craft books because this is a MANual, a book for MEN written by a MAN. There is no meaningful theorising about alcohol intake and sperm count, phases of Saturn and fertility or `how to look good in stirrups'. Men need advice on issues such as ensuring your new baby will be male and, yours. There is also some information on how pregnancy might affect your partner, wife or girlfriend. If you are the man who doesn't notice your wife shaving her head and sharing your flat with Hare Krishna devotees then this book is for you. Even if you aren't average this book will guide you through the murkiest water a man may ever have to navigate.
About the Author
James Slater was born in 1959 in Fintry near Dundee, Scotland. His father was often overseas on `business' leaving his mother, a slaughterhouse worker, with a family of 3 children. He attended medical school in Edinburgh, more as a guest than an enrolled student. He is building a reputation in the field of the psychology of fatherhood as well as breeding whippets. This book compliments a number of his other publications including `House training children and dogs - lessons from the laundry', `OI YOU, SIT' and `Whoa boy!'. Dr Slater has a number of children of his own and in his spare time enjoys deep sea fishing and photography. Moving forward as technology allows, he has developed an interactive web site for children with behavioural difficulties called www.dothatagainandseewhathappens.com and is currently working on a parental internet support facility which will soon be available at www.ivetoldyouonceiwonttellyouagain.com. In the spirit of reflective practice Dr Slater would be quite interested to receive your feedback which you can e-mail to him at the address given at the end of the book.