A Road You Must Travel

A CRY FOR MY MOTHER

January 2, 2007

Dear Diary,

As I rise from my bed at 1:30a.m. feeling like my mother has abandoned me, I feel like I need my mom with me more than ever.  Why am I feeling like this? These feelings of insecurity and loneliness are strange.  It takes me back to a place in time where I couldn't have my mother next to me, holding me in her safe arms. As tears roll down my face, I see that lonely place, that place of darkness and fear.  This was a place where no child needs to be, a place of loneliness.  I cry out for my mother that's still here on Earth; a mother that' s not far from me in miles, but seems as far as the stars.   I need my mother so close to me now to share my thoughts, dreams and happiness. I need the peace of mind knowing that my love is not being blocked.  I need to know that I have her true friendship that was lost two years ago. Why do I need my mother so much when I have always depended on the most High?  I'm not letting go of my faith but there's a hunger inside of me for my mother that won't go away.  There's a pain that can't be explained not even to my husband.  Lord, I need these answers that I feel only my mother has.  Dreams and nightmares of anger and fights disturb me almost every night as I toss and turn uncontrollably trying to find an answer to why I need my mother that's so dear to me.  Our lives were so simple with happiness and laughter, but surrounded with disappointments and pain.  We seemed to pick each other up and ease fears and make them go away, even if it were for a minute. We depended on each other to lift the other up.  Through our hard struggles that we faced with our male relationships, we still managed to be there for each other.  This need to connect with my mother is unexplainable, but I know I kneed to do so soon.

I took a pause to get some more rest and the thoughts in my head just won't go away. The sun has come up now and the clock says 7:50a.m.  My mind kept thinking over and over again why these feelings came about in the first place.  When I thought about it more, and more it came back to me.

It all began when I felt betrayed.  Sometimes my feelings tell me that Mama has raised us in the fear and admiration of God, but shielded her past or wrong doings such as though she were perfect.  She told me some things, but left a lot out. She told me the things I needed to hear to get me through whatever stage I was in, but seeing some things for myself as a child, I didn't pay much attention to them.  I never really cared so much.  Well, I won't say cared, but maybe I didn't want her life to be intertwined with mine.  Meaning, Mama always taught us about being a kid and how the adults were the ones who made the decisions, so I blocked out a lot.  Now I see!