Navigating ADHD

Your Communication Toolbox In this section, you'll find a toolbox of strategies that you can draw on at various times to communicate effectively with your child. Active Listening Active listening is critical to effective communication. We commonly don't hear what children are really saying, and therefore don't see or meet their real needs. Unmet needs escalate unwanted behavior and increase the tension in your interactions. When you actively listen, you can respond quickly and appropriately. You also convey to your child that what she has to say has value. Active listening should be part of your everyday interactions with your child. The more your child feels you're listening, the more likely she'll feel confident that you and she can solve the problem together. To listen actively, put aside what may be going through your mind. Make eye contact with your child at her level. Repeat her words to her. Don't judge what she wants to tell you. Active listening acknowledges that you'll hear what she has to say, and that it's safe to express it. It's a powerful tool for building a strong relationship with your child and influencing your child’s behavior in positive ways. Listening boundaries Can you be an active listener if listening to your child who loves to talk could take 30 minutes, and you need to put dinner on the table or help other children with a ride or homework? Can you listen thoughtfully when you're ready to lose it? Of course, you can't. An important part of active listening is establishing listening boundaries. Your child must understand that you can't always stop what you're doing to listen. Sometimes you'll need to say, “I can't listen right now because I'm finishing up the grocery list. I want to hear what you have to say and I'll be able to listen in 5 minutes.” Keep a timer, analog clock, or hourglass close at hand so your child can watch as 5 minutes goes by. Be sure, however, that when you say you'll listen in 5 minutes, you mean it. You can delay active listening but not avoid it. If you try to avoid it, the message your child receives is that what she has to say isn't important. In addition to delaying the listening for a set period of time, you can also stop what you're doing and give your talker the floor for 5 minutes -- but 5 minutes only. Give her a specific time, such as after dinner or after practice, when she can pick up where she left off and you'll be able to focus on what she has to say. Explain these strategies ahead of time so she knows what to expect when you say, “Wait 5 minutes and then I'll listen to you,” or, “Five minutes now, more later.” With active listening, you aren't only hearing what your child has to tell you, but building her confidence and adding to her communication skill set. Verbal Communication In addition to listening actively, there are several verbal communication methods that will help you communicate effectively with your child. Cue words Children with ADHD respond very well to structure and consistency in all aspects of their lives. Being consistent in the ways in which you communicate is equally important. A list of key words, or "cues," will help your child create a template in his brain that he can access instantly to understand you. Special words that cue important behaviors, such as to pay attention, do something, or prepare for something, will help lower your child’s anxiety by reducing his confusion. (See Examples of Cue Words.) Examples of Cue Words Pay attention Ł Focus Ł Listen up Ł Eyes on me Do something Perform a daily chore Ł Chore time Ł Work time Ł Job time Start homework Ł Homework time Ł Schoolwork time Ł Planner Prepare for something Prepare to go home Ł Five minutes Ł Pack up Prepare to leave for school Ł Shoes, backpack, bus Ł Go time Recognize behavior Affirm positive behavior Ł Gold medal Ł Thumbs up Ł A plus Ł Blue ribbon Get in control when frustrated Ł Volcano (using the analogy of an erupting volcano for anger that can bubble up) Ł Regroup Short phrases A common communication misstep is to say what you're thinking -- all of it. Shorter is usually better. Let’s consider a scenario in which shorter phrases can help achieve effective communication. Susan is tired from a long day at work. While putting dinner on the table, she's thinking about her son’s science project and how he didn't get it done during homework hour. That means he needs to eat dinner quickly and get started on it; otherwise, it will be a late night for Susan and her son. Susan shouts up the stairs to her son, who’s on the computer in his room. “Tommy, dinner is on the table. Let’s go, it's getting cold! You still have a lot of work to do on your project. Come down to dinner, so you can hurry up and get started. Dinner is ready!” Several minutes go by and Tommy still doesn’t come down to dinner. His mother gets increasingly frustrated and begins to yell, “Tommy, stop ignoring me and get down here!” Susan would like Tommy to come to the table, but he got lost in all the extra information she delivered. The message that reached Tommy was, “Tommy, dinner, cold, work, started, blah, blah, blah....” Because Tommy couldn’t decipher his mother’s intended message, his attention quickly turned back to the computer. Unfortunately, when he didn’t do what she had asked, his mother assumed that he was actively ignoring her. A simple “Tommy, dinnertime!” would accomplish Susan’s goal of getting him to the table quickly, and Tommy would have heard it. When you use short phrases of no more than three words, especially when giving directives, your child is able to focus on the action you need him to take.