An Owner's Manual For Men

How To Make Your Woman Happy One of the most important tasks men have to accomplish during the course of their lives is deciphering the mystery of just what it is that makes women happy and figuring out how to accomplish it without losing yourself as a man. The ironic part of this is that it is probably the thing that men are naturally least inclined to or capable of doing. Yet if we don’t, we are probably doomed to a lifetime of misery. We are not naturally hard-wired for it. Making women happy is a learned response. Let’s get one thing out of the way right off the bat. You have to have women in your life. You can’t help it. You are born needing them. That’s the way nature wants it and that’s the way it is. So deal with it. The trick is having a woman in your life, with you every second and dealing with what is ostensibly an alien way of thinking where emotions rule and common sense, while it exists in women, cannot occupy the same space at the same time with their emotions. I suspect that this is one of the things we love about them the most, regardless of how thoroughly impossible it is for us to understand. We sometimes get glimmers of understanding but the big-picture eludes us most of the time. You might ask, “Why is making your woman happy so important?” I can sum it up in one tidy little story. My wife and I went to Las Vegas a few years ago and stopped in a refrigerator magnet shop in the New York, New York Hotel. Yes, that’s what you do when you are a married man with your wife in Vegas. You shop and walk all day so that you are too tired to do the really fun stuff at night that she doesn’t want you to do. Anyway, she bought one magnet for our refrigerator. I believe what that magnet said reflects the one immutable, underlying truth that effects all men everywhere and the reason we go about our lives with the primary and some would say, obsessive, goal of making women happy. The magnet is there to remind me every day what I am required to do by the natural law of the relationship between men and women. It says and I apologize for the tortured grammar, “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” There it is in a nutshell. If your woman isn’t happy, by extension and the female’s inborn ability to wreak havoc on your life with only the slightest effort, you can not, by the rules of natural order, be happy. Once you accept this fact as universal and unalterable, you will be able to begin the training that will make you an expert in making women happy. This is not giving up. It is not wimpy. It is the smartest thing you can do, for if successful, you can lead a fulfilling and happy existence. If you fight it, you will fail. You might as well take on gravity and try to beat that into submission. The result will be the same. As the Borg on Star Trek are inclined to say, “Resistance is futile.” It just is a fact of your life and the sooner you realize it, the happier you will be. I have mentioned in passing to our female friends that my number one job is to make sure my wife is happy and to a woman, every one of them responds that I am brilliant for pursuing this philosophy and they would love it if their man acted that way. They just want to be happy and any man that aids them in that endeavor is incredibly attractive. An important and intended consequence of this noble pursuit is that when she is happy, you can, for the most part, get what you want, whatever that might be. Admit it, when your wife, girlfriend, female co-workers, female friends-by the way, your female friends will be highly regulated, limited in number and subject to unilateral veto by your wife or girlfriend at any time for any reason without notice-are unhappy for any number of reasons that may or may not have anything to do with you, you will be made to be unhappy if you are unlucky enough or foolish enough to enter their sphere of influence, much like all matter is irrevocably sucked into a black hole with no possible chance of escape. The ability to make everyone around her unhappy when she is unhappy is as natural for a woman as the sun coming up in the morning or puppies being adorable. They do it without thinking and I believe, perhaps foolishly on my part, without malice aforethought or evil intent. They can’t help it and they don’t do it on purpose. That is precisely why it is o.k. to work continuously towards their happiness and as a result, increase your own. It will not make you less of a man. In fact, you should view this as a totally self-serving exercise designed specifically to make your life more fun. That might help make you feel better about doing that thing which you are, by psychological make-up and societal pressure, disinclined to do. You are doing what only you can do to alleviate a crisis situation much like you would during an invasion that occurs without warning and with brutal and blitzkrieg like ferocity. It is in your best interest to be able to quickly and decisively turn the tables and do something, anything to make them happy again.