The Daily Grind

Those who have never rebelled against God Or at some point of their lives shaken their fists in the face of heaven, Have likely never encountered God at all. Catherine Marshall [adapted] In some ways I gauge my life "BDD" and "ADD": that is, "Before Dad's Death" and "After Dad's Death." My Dad died when he was just 49 years old, a victim of lung cancer caused from a life-time of smoking. I was just 22 years old when he died. His death was a pivotal moment in my life for many reasons, but one of the most significant ones was that Dad's death was the first time I ever really dared to be furious with God. I remember being in his hospital room. Dad was in a coma, and things looked grim. Before this time, I had refused to accept even the possibility that Dad might die. He would try to prepare me, but I would always respond by saying, "Daddy, just have faith. God will heal you. God's got a plan for you...and He wouldn't let you die before you got the chance to finish that plan." I truly believed that. The preachers and teachers that I listened to told me to believe that...that if you were truly walking with Christ, God must heal...God must prosper ...God must act. Dad had repented and turned his life around, surely God would heal. That was what I believed with all my heart. But then, here was Dad...clearly dying. I prayed and prayed and prayed for a miracle. Then, on a Sunday morning, in that hospital room, I had the TV on. One of my favorite preachers of the day was on, and he said something I'll never forget. He said, pointing a finger at the screen, "If you're in a hospital bed this morning, you're out of the will of God." When I heard those words, something inside of me snapped. It was like an explosion going off. I was hot! I was mad--at the thought, at the preacher who said it, and at a God who could possibly be allowing my Dad to die. My prayers turned from earnest pleas to spewing venom of anger and fury. I told God off in royal fashion! I told God just what I thought about it all...what was happening wasn't fair, it wasn't good, and it wasn't loving. I told God that He wasn't keeping His part of the "bargain". How dare He? And then, when I got finished telling God off, I cried. I wept for grief--for the loss of my Dad, but also for the loss of my faith. I sat by my Dad's bed, holding his hand drowning in sorrow. Finally, I just let it go. I said to God, "Even though I don't understand all of this, even though things aren't happening like I think they should be, I have to trust in You. God, please heal my Dad...even if it means taking him home to be with You." And at that moment...for the first time in days...I felt my comatose father squeeze my hand! I looked up and saw a single tear trickle down his face. And suddenly, I knew that everything was going to be all right. Dad was not out of the will of God...he was safe...he was loved... and soon, he would be home in heaven. My father's death taught me many things...about Dad, about myself, and about God. It was the hardest thing I had ever faced in my life...and it was the first time I had ever really "shaken a fist toward heaven." While taking a class years later on the Psalms, one of my professors said, "The psalmists show us that the depth of faith exists in a life of prayer...even in prayers of anger. For who better than God can handle our anger? Where other than in prayer, is the best place to express our anger? Real faith is when we can be real with God--real in our joys as well as in our pain." Can you be honest with God? Can you have enough faith to release your real self--even your angry self--to God in prayer? God can take it! In fact, God WANTS to take it...to help you through the depths of despair, depression, anger, fury, confusion. ADD--"After Dad's Death" I have come to understand that God's will is much broader, deeper, mysterious and spectacular than I ever had imagined before. God no longer fits nicely into the "box" I had placed God in. That realization led me ultimately to seminary and into ministry. I continue to wrestle with God from time to time...and, while I don't live for it, I don't look for it, I welcome it...because I know that in the struggle...I will encounter the living God...and I will be changed.