If You Can Take It! You Can Make It!

THE BOOK # 14 EVERY YOUNG MAN’S BATTLE Young Adult- Male- Anonymous At the early age of 13, I became curious and sexually attracted to females. A year later (due to being overly curious and ambitious) I started searching for a way to and who to explore physically). I decided soon after to find me a girl friend. Endless opportunities came for me and my girlfriend to explore each other’s anatomy. Even though the actual act took weeks to transpire, we explored each other’s body in every way possible. (it was simply trial and error) We paid no attention to improper techniques, only how to make it better the next time. It was during that time that I was introduced to pornography. I watched it over and over and over, not for personal satisfaction (at that particular time) but I was fascinated by how the male in the porno “seemingly” pleased the female. I wanted to be that guy in the porno picture/film. I wanted to turn the bedroom into the atmosphere of a porno film. So I studied tirelessly with every opportunity that I had. I became better and more confident. Around the age of fifteen, I came to the realization that sex was not only about the “intercourse” portion of it, but that it was also about tapping into one another’s spirit, connecting and collaborating fantasies, true intimacy; to be completely conscious of your partner’s every nerve muscle, and to react instinctively to it so that you can take them to complete ecstasy. I was born and raised in the church, so I have known right from wrong and had the ability to make proper decisions since the age of seven. Yet, sex was my playground. The bedroom became my territory. The power and energy I felt while engaging in sex, was never present in any other area of my life; not church, not sports, nor anywhere else. I knew I was wrong, but wrong to me now was not a bad thing compared to that kind of power and control. The year 2009 came pretty swiftly. By this time I started to branch out into pubic sex, sex at school, sex while at work, and running the risk of getting caught; but regardless, I wanted to have more and more sex. Sex was controlling me and I had no idea how much. I had then become familiar with all the techniques of climaxing and masturbation by observing porno materials. As I have previously stated, I knew I was wrong, and there was no way I could continue to go to church and bible study and not feel guilty in my conscience. It would seem that God was revealing my secret sins to my teacher. She would periodically say to the class, I have seen some things in the spirit and I want you if you’re guilty to repent and stop it. Her term “get out of my room” meant God was showing her something. So I began to try and reach God and ask him for help. But I quickly grew tired. I felt I wasn’t good enough, or that my bad out-weighed my good so God was punishing me, or that God doesn’t even exist. The way I saw the entire situation was if God really exist and someone wanted to change for the better and they reached out to Him; why wouldn’t He answer their prayer unless He didn’t exist. I mean sex was number one on my list of sins; it far outweighed anything bad I had ever done or was doing. Well, I decided to try to free myself from this devastating addiction. I cut my cell phone off, sanctified myself( for a time I felt was sufficient), stopped going to the clubs, etc. I started reading my Bible more and more, praying more each day, I even fasted a number of times. None of this seemed to get God’s attention so I went back to my comfortable world of sin, where I could be happy and please myself as well as beautiful women. I found myself, specifically during the night hours, not being able to go to sleep without pleasing myself with one of my porno films, not one single night. I stayed up for more than 18 hours until I passed out in my bed. I could never drift off to sleep or dream without the satisfaction of watching pornography. I think partly because I felt it was less of a sin to have sex with myself than sex with a female. Although I was praying and reading my Bible daily, every second of free time my mind had would burningly desire sex. I recall one night in particular that I tried so very hard to pray when these feelings arose within me. During my prayer all I could see was sexually explicit images. I rose up from praying and began to sing devotional songs in my room, and I walked around the house doing the same, and I found myself singing in the kitchen. I would stop periodically and beg God to take away the images and take away the desires. Later that night I had such a realistic sexual experience that I experienced satisfaction in my sleep. I would later learn that this was a visitation from a sexual demon. This pattern went on for months and then I slowly found myself fornicating with a new number of females. Almost a year later one of my dates started to speak in some kind of tongues while we had sex. She did this for three minutes. It was as if a demon had consumed her and was speaking death and damnation over us both. The experience had deterred me from sex for a small number of days. But I laughed it off thinking it was cool that I made a girl speak uncontrollable in another language. But deep down in my soul I felt that it was one of God’s final warnings to me before He would allow me to die in my sins. I began to contemplate the seriousness of eternal damnation; the seriousness of being engulfed in flames, misery, and the gnashing of teeth. I thought about the agony of scratching begging for just a sip of water never being fulfilled. I started to pray in a more spiritual manner, not the manner in which I use to, which would be saying the right thing because I heard how to pray. My prayer had changed from Lord take this sexual desire away’, to Lord create in me a clean heart and renew within me a right spirit. I begged God from the pit of my stomach, from the bottom of my soul to save me from my ignorant mind. I thanked God for still letting me see another day because I had given up on Him and His existence. I thank the Lord for protecting me from the plan that the devil had set out to kill me, which started at the age of thirteen. I prayed these and many other prayers day after day, night after night, but I was serious this time. The prayers came from a place that was so deep inside I couldn’t feel where or when it started. I was so wrapped up into prayer and thanksgiving that I didn’t pay attention to the fact that I was being exactly who God wanted me to be. It had been a year since I had watched any form of pornography, talked sexually to a female any other form of sexual pleasure. I still pray constantly, and I do not concentrate on how good I have been or what sins I have not done. But every second and every day I ask Jesus to strengthen me. I thank Him every second that I get another chance because I know, it only takes one second to slip back out of His grace and that is not a risk I am willing to take.