The Whipping Boyfriend

Elmira Miller, Dora’s septuagenarian neighbor who lived a few houses up the street, claimed to be part gypsy and hence part fortune-teller. However everyone who knew Elmira knew her olive gypsylike complexion was from her tan-in-a-can lotion. She had become addicted to the lotion when her dermatologist removed a few possibly malignant moles from her back and said no more round-the-clock tanning. “If she’s a gypsy, I’m a man,” commented Megan Taylor. Megan was another member of Dora’s circle of friends who had joined Dora and Yvonne on their little magical mystery tour to Elmira’s house. The house had taken on a sinister look after the handyman—who hung around after her husband, Freddy, died—discovered Elmira had no money and moved on. The shrubs hadn’t been trimmed in three Olympics and were overtaking the house, which hadn’t seen a fresh coat of paint since Reagan was in office. The inside of Elmira’s house was equally sinister. A tribute to the sixties, the house was decorated in the Woodstock style, complete with an army of lava lamps, beaded doorways, and crushed black velvet posters. The crushed velvet and all those lava lamps, along with a few candles, gave everything a Halloween-like glow. The carpet of course was avocado shag. Elmira had set up a table and chairs in her special room, which doubled as a sewing room when she wasn’t telling fortunes. The table, covered with a purple satin sheet, held a crystal ball, a pack of tarot cards, and some really spooky-looking candles. After Yvonne had collected fifty dollars from each of the fortune seekers, counted it twice, and deposited it in a golden treasure chest by the doorway, Elmira made her grand entrance. Having double-dipped herself in liquid tan, Elmira looked extra gypsy. Her hair was bundled in a red kerchief, and she wore a dress she had found on sale at a costume shop. The outfit was more than convincing to anyone who hadn’t seen her watering her driveway or walking her dog in her bikini on a pretty regular basis. Dora wasn’t among them, nor were any of the others who gathered that night, eyes rolling, in the shadows of the repurposed sewing room. Dora was last in line to have her fortune told, and by that time most of the candles had pretty much melted. Just she and Yvonne remained. Megan’s boyfriend had machine-gun texted her to come home, and she hurried out as soon as Elmira read her cards. Kelly, who rode with Megan, had already had her fortune read and left too. Shortly after that, the cards revealed Jackie Smith’s husband had a new love interest. Jackie, a newlywed and the most recent addition to Dora and Yvonne’s tribe, gathered her purse and left for home in tears. Finally it was Dora’s turn to let Elmira work her magic. Snuggling into the seat across the table from the fortune-teller, Dora struggled to keep a straight face. “You are very sad,” Elmira said to Dora in a most mysterious voice. Dora listened, wondering if she actually was sad. Maybe so but she didn’t feel sad. Then again she wasn’t a gypsy, and she didn’t have a crystal ball. She was just a mere mortal who was out fifty dollars. Fifty dollars was enough money to have her nails done twice or to pay for quite a few trips to the tanning bed. Elmira was right, Dora decided. She was sad, especially when she thought of her fifty dollars in Elmira’s little gold treasure chest by the door. Dora listened as Elmira rambled on about this and that before finally getting around to the topic of love and men. “He will be tall and from far away,” Elmira whispered with a hiss, studying each card Dora turned. Dora, with a smile that became even more skeptical, turned a third and fourth card, showing them to Elmira. “I see a terrible storm with lots of wind and rain, a storm followed by calm, and I see two doves,” Elmira announced with a sound of triumph. She explained that doves symbolize purity and sometimes marriage. “Hmmm,” Dora said and paused. She could go along with the purity but as for marriage, not happening. Elmira and all the fortune-tellers in the world couldn’t see that far into the future. The past ten years of her life with Jeff Ashworth and the hell he put her through with the cheating and the divorce had soured her on all things marriage. “How about a few specifics?” Dora asked, not trying to hide her skepticism. Elmira brought her index finger in front of her pursed lips. “Don’t disturb the cards,” she said, pausing before she blew out the candle. During the pause, Elmira did see Dora’s future and it made her smile. She wanted to tell Dora what wonderful things she saw for her, but she couldn’t. Dora wouldn’t have believed them anyway. So instead, Elmira said with a contented sigh, “And you will be happy,” before blowing out the rest of the candles. The smell of scented candle smoke hung in the air as Yvonne and Dora made their way down the stairs and out of Elmira’s house by flashlight. “See you tomorrow, Elmira,” Dora said before pulling the door closed behind her. Elmira didn’t say anything. Sitting in the darkness with her vision of Dora’s future, she only smiled.