Lost and Lived In
by
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No matter how much I learned about mental illness, I always removed myself from the equations. That won’t happen to me. I had this illusion of control that many of us do. We think we’re different than the rest, more careful or invincible. I knew so many of the effects that mental illness could have on a person, yet I thought those things would never happen to me. I never thought I’d be bad enough to get diagnosed with anything. I learned about alcohol abuse in school, yet I swore I’d never do such a thing. I learned about suicide and I never thought I could ever consider something so terrible. I learned what anorexia would do to my body, but I thought I was in enough control to keep my Ed without the side effects. I read about women who were sexually assaulted and traumatized, but I never considered myself being one of them. I once said “not me” to all of the things that I was now sitting at a table of therapists to discuss. I was living in the rock bottom I swore I’d never hit, and with my shovel I had kept digging.
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About the Book
This memoir started as my personal journal full of desperation to make sense of what I was going through. I began writing as depression and OCD/anxiety made home of my mind. In my attempts to cope, I also developed anorexia, alcoholism, and trauma from sexual assaults. For about ten years, I lost myself to these struggles. A couple of relapses and time spent in treatment began the difficult road to recovery. As I started to understand the complex web of mental illness inside me, I gained the words I was searching for to build a much-needed bridge. Mental illness can touch anyone, even the most untouchable, seemingly normal lives. Although we don’t all experience mental illness in the exact same ways, unfortunately, it’s often still a familiar darkness that’s misunderstood by the rest of the world. I expanded my writing into a book that could build the bridge of understanding, conversations, support, and hope from loved ones to those struggling. This is the full tour inside my mind as I experienced the darkest times of my life. It’s not a glorified drama of my struggles. It’s the raw, most honest, and unfiltered version of those years, my time in treatment, and a realistically messy recovery. I hope to be a voice for many, a reference for loved ones, and a glimpse of the light for everybody involved. It does get better, and it’s worth the fight. *Trigger warnings are included at the beginning of each difficult topic.*
About the Author
Michelle was born and raised in Columbus, Ohio. She attended the University of Cincinnati where she got her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology. She works with individuals who have autism or other intellectual and developmental disabilities from all ages. She began working in this field during college, and does the same work in Florida. She and her now husband, Noah, moved to Orlando after graduating college together and now live in a house with their cat, Crunchy. It took years and two times in treatment before she found the words to make sense of mental illness and allow others to understand. Her writing became the platform in which she communicated the darkest parts of her life to loved ones. After sharing her journal entries with family and treatment staff, she was encouraged to share it with the rest of the world. This book is how she made sense of the unexplainable and intangible.