Tangled in the Web

In Chapter 3, I explore the addictive nature of cybersex by outlining the symptoms and stages of Cybersexual Addiction. To help you understand the disorder, I’ll review how the compulsive behavior momentarily allows the addict to "forget" problems, while ultimately creating a vicious cycle that cybersex abusers find themselves in, as feelings of boredom, loneliness, or stress trigger Internet-enhanced masturbation episodes. In the short term, this may be a useful way to cope with the stress of a hard situation; however, addictive behaviors used to escape or run away from unpleasant situations only end up making the addict’s problems worse in the long run. Chapter 3 also provides the Cybersexual Addiction Index (CAI), a 20-item questionnaire to help assess if you or a loved one may be addicted.

Cybersex addicts discover that it is difficult to simply go "cold turkey" from the Internet, given our computer-saturated society, which makes it difficult to completely abstain from the Internet in order to treat the addiction. In Chapter 4, I offer hope and help for cybersex addicts with a comprehensive seven-step plan for recovery that shows you how to:

1. Assess current Internet use practices
2. Make measurable changes in your Internet behavior
3. Address how you will deal with abstinence
4. Understand the sexual needs that drive the addiction
5. Develop a proactive plan to deal with high-risk situations
6. Correct the rationalizations that leads to relapse
7. Find sponsorship and continued support

This structured recovery program provides concrete tools that help you relieve shame for the behavior, provide new ways to relate to others, and create a positive self-image.

Today, relationships are now faced with new challenges, as cybersex and its use interferes with typical sex drives and creates arguments and emotional discord with a partner. Each week, jilted partners who lost their relationships because of virtual sex, contact me searching for help and guidance. Many are surprised to learn how seemingly "harmless" cyber-romps result in serious relationship difficulties way beyond what was expected or intended. While I find that some couples are able to use cybersex as foreplay and easily integrate it into their sexual repertoire, for others - mainly middle-aged and older adult couples - cybersex spells infidelity and broken trust. In Chapter 5, I provide insight for couples struggling to work through the betrayal and rage caused by cybersex and offer a step-by-step plan to rebuild trust and rekindle intimacy in their relationships.

Family members are often the first to notice significant personality changes when a loved one gradually retreats more and more into the computer. Those closest to the addict feel alone and search for information on how best to intervene and help. In Chapter 6, we’ll talk about the impact of Cybersexual Addiction on the entire family. I offer specific steps that family members and friends can take to confront a loved one in trouble. I also offer ways for families to learn new communication skills that will strengthen relationship boundaries and facilitate successful recovery for the addict.

Because many healthcare professionals are unfamiliar with the Cybersexual Addiction, I receive several requests for specific referrals to local therapists or clinics knowledgeable about the disorder. While this book is designed to help bridge that gap, specialists in the field are still difficult to find. Therefore, Chapter 7 provides additional resources, such as Web sites, reading materials, and recovery organizations, to help you along the way. I also offer tips on how you can start a support group in Cybersexual Addiction recovery in your area.