Picture, If You Will . . .
by
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THE CHANGING OF THE GUARD AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE 99. Picture, if you will--the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace. It’s a special event, and the Queen is there. After one group of troopers have been replaced and are out in the dispersal area, the Sgt. Major places one of them in a stiff brace, his nose a mere three inches away from that of the S/M. The following colloquy takes place: St. Major: Smithby, did I see you wince as Her Majesty went by? Smithby: Yes, sah! S/M: What is your excuse, Smithby? Smithby: No excuse, sah, but I have an explanation. S/M: An explanation, Smithby; what do you mean? Smithby: Well, sah, as the Queen was approaching, a squirrel ran up my left trouser leg and lodged himself in the area of my crotch. S/M: Oh, is that when you winced, Smithby? Smithby: No, sah. Following that incident another squirrel ran up my right trouser leg and lodged himself in the same area. S/M: Oh, is that when you winced, Smithby? "Smithby: No sah. S/M: When did you wince, Smithby? Smithby: I winced, sah, when one said to the other, "Let’s eat one now, and save the other for the Winter." THE QUEEN’S TRIP TO EDINBURGH 100. The Queen was scheduled to make a trip to Edinburgh, all very official. She sends her personal envoy, a Brigadier, up one month in advance, so everything will be set up according to protocol. Part of the Queen’s welcoming ceremony involves her reviewing a crack Scottish regiment dressed in their kilts and all. On the occasion of the initial inspection of the regiment by the Brigadier, he is going down through the ranks and comes to one soldier who has a very decided tilt to his kilt. He takes the Sgt. Major aside and says, "I say, we cawn’t have this sort of thing; I suggest that you give that chap a week-end pass." "Yes, sor," says the Sgt. Major. Two weeks later the Bridagier comes by for his second inspection to assure himself that everything is progressing smoothly; he comes to the same soldier, and again there is a similar manifestation. The Brigadier is visibly shaken and takes the Sgt. Major aside and says, "Did you give that chap a week-end pass as I suggested?" "Yes, sor." "Well" says the Brigadier, "We cawn’t take the chance with the Queen coming and all; I suggest you give him a week in London; we’ve got the time!" On the day before the Queen is scheduled to arrive, the Brigadier comes back for his final inspection, to see that all the loose ends are tied up and everything is letter-perfect, and he finds that the same soldier again has a tilt to his kilt. He is incensed, and rightly so. He takes the Sgt. Major aside and says, "Did you give that chap a week in London, as I suggested?" "Yes, sor," replies the Sgt. Major. "Well," says the Brigadier, why cawn’t he control himself?" "Biggin’ your pardon, sor, it appears that he’s tykin’ quite a lykin to ye!"
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About the Book
Back in June, 1949, I started taking notes on the jokes that people told me. The great majority of these were cocktail-party stories, in those days generally referred to as "dirty jokes".
I did this because I had learned from experience that when I heard a joke for the second time I remembered having heard it before, and, usually, the punch line, but . . . and this was what galvanized me into action--I found that I had not remembered the story well enough to call it to mind in sufficient detail to enable me to tell it to someone else. This, I find, is a common problem among those who strive to be dedicated raconteurs . . . or racontootsies.
So, what I did with respect to recording new stories as I heard them, was to immediately make notes, on anything available, consisting of essential clue words and the punch line. My notes were composed with such particularity as to enable me, in most cases, to type the story in full when I was able to access my typewriter. The next step was to tell the story a few times, with a personal touch perhaps, in such a manner as to eventually develop my reputation as one of the three or four best joke-tellers east of the Rockies.
After typing the story up and adding it to my growing file, I’d condense it to a clue line, assign a number and add it to my list. This master list was numbered serially as jokes were acquired, being typed with a pre-Xerox carbon copy. The original was placed in my file, and the carbon copy was on or near my person at all times when I was in a social situation. I became known for carrying this list around with me.
I have always made it a practice not to identify a joke on my list by the punch line, for reasons that must be obvious. If I were to show my list to a friend so that he or she might pick out a joke by the number assigned to it, it would ruin the telling of the joke if the punch line were to be prematurely exposed right there on my list.
More recently jokes have been flying wildly through cyberspace, somewhat willy-nilly; no one seems to know much about their authorship and although I am presently a non-possessor of a computer, friends frequently download such material and copy the same to me. Some of this is included in the second part of this book.
So much for the format of my notes and the list. Now to the reason for publishing this collection that has been growing for lo these many years, to wit: many friends for a magnitudinous numerousity of years have encouraged me to do just that. That’s the simple answer, and of course it’s somewhat of an ego trip to see a publication with one’s name on it.
The stories appearing in this publication include many that you have not heard before. Some are stories that I have only heard once, because they are intricately worded or require a dialect or accent of some sort. I have found that few people will go to the trouble of memorizing a story that is intricately worded or will take the time to learn how to mimic, or simply can’t manage, an accent or dialect. I feel sure that the reader will concede that a story loses a lot in the telling, or just falls flat, if the story-teller is unable to handle that aspect of the art.
The title of the book, PICTURE, IF YOU WILL . . . was selected advisedly. For years I have prefaced most stories I tell with that phrase, because it sets the stage for the audience. When you say it, their minds, respectively, immediately go blank and become receptive. They are ready to picture something; you have their attention. As the story progresses the listener tends to conjure up a picture of what is taking place in the telling, often ascribing personalities to the characters in the story, virtually viewing the prevailing circumstances and the activity inherent in the narrative on his or her cranial movie screen.
One distinguishing feature of this collection of anecdotes is the subject-matter cross-index. There are two; the first covers the first 150 stories appearing in the original book, and the second one covers the balance of 309 stories. This feature is for the ready reference of the reader who wants to put his finger on a story suitable to the circumstances of the moment.
Here then is PICTURE, IF YOU WILL . . . I hope you enjoy it and that it gives you the confidence to shine in the various social situations where humour is appropriate.
About the Author
Richard R. Booth is an attorney, co-founder, and executive director of The Society of Loquacious Verbosities; and contributing columnist to The Coconut Grove Times, The South Miami Times and The Brickll Post as The Sentient Scrutator. He is the former lecturer of The Art of Effective Speech and calligrapher of Olde English Illuminated Manuscripting and The Last of the Great Monks. Booth is a former federal prosecutor and a former judge. He was World War II fighter pilot, with the Ninth Air Force, Europe, having flown a P-38 Lightning and a P-51 Mustang in fifty combat sorties.