"Have You Heard The One About..."
by
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FROM CHAPTER ONE: THE JOKES...
IT SURE IS DARK IN HERE, ISN’T IT?- -
A married mother is having an affair. And so that she never gets told on by her son, she puts her nine year old in the closet whenever her lover drops in for a visit. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and without thinking straight she hides her lover in the closet with her son. Inside the closet, the little boy slyly says, “It sure is dark in here, isn’t it?” Not knowing what to reply, the man nervously replies, “Yes it is.” The kid suddenly gets an idea and figures he could walk out of the situation a winner, so he asks, “Hey mister, do ya wanna buy a used baseball?” The man stays quiet for a moment and replies, “No thanks.” The little boy decides to go for the sale anyway with, “I think you really do want to buy my baseball. Come on sir, just help me out with a little cash to buy some trading cards.” At this point, the man is getting nervous about having a conversation and getting caught, so he asks, “Okay, okay… how much?” The little guy slyly says, “$30!” “$30?” replies the man in shock as he realizes that he’s being blackmailed by a little, snot-nosed nine-year-old. But after the kid starts whining and getting louder by the second, the man quickly pulls out the only thirty bucks he had in his wallet to keep his situation in the clear. A week goes by and once again the husband comes home early, and the man once again is stuck with the awkward situation of hiding in the closet. And believe it or not… there was the little boy again. “Sure is dark in here, ain’t it mister?” the little boy exclaims once again with his malevolent intentions showing in the tone of his voice. “Yes. Yes it is.” replies the worried man. “Hey mister, do ya wanna buy a used baseball glove?” the little boy asks. “Ah, you’re not gonna do this again, are ya? Fine. How much this time?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging he is screwed if he doesn’t go through with the purchase. “$60!” the boy replies. “$60? Hell no… I’m not giving you $60! No!” “Okay, mister. You don’t have to buy it… but I know that my daddy keeps a gun, and if I tell him that you’re in here… he’s gonna kill ya!” “Sheesh! Fine, fine… here’s the freaking money, now shut up and stay quiet.” And with that, the transaction was done and the silence was bought. The following weekend, the boy’s father, good, Catholic, family man that he was asks his son to get his ball and glove so that they could go out and play. “Sorry dad, but I sold them.” “What?” asked the father, thinking that he spent about thirty dollars to buy them in the first place and now his kid had just sold them for cookies or some cheap trading cards, “How much did you get for them?” “$90!” the son replied with a big smile. “$90? That’s highway robbery! I’m taking you to church right now to make you confess your sin and ask for forgiveness!” So off they go to church and when they make it there, the father takes his son to the little confessional, opens the door for him and points his finger for him to go in. The child goes in and he closes the door behind him. The boy kneels down, leans toward the little dark fence to confess in and then says to the priest, “Gee, sure is dark in here, huh mister?” The boy hears the priest quickly get up and look right through the little fence and say, “Aw no! You’re not gonna start that here, are you? I’m broke! Leave me alone!”
A PIECE FROM CHAPTER 3: THE BONUS
THE V-FILES 2:
(THE ULTIMATE ENIGMA)
5th ANNIVERSARY since the Original was written...
by Nelson Vazqueztell (
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About the Book
A poet who has everyone smiling should write more than just poetry. And so, in order to keep everyone in stitches, he wrote a joke book with a thousand and one laughs! Unlike Vazqueztell’s previous books, TRUTH, COMEDY & POETRY for ALL and THE V-FILES: The Truth Is In Here, which are filled with mostly poetry, the author wanted to collect and share all of his favorite jokes from all categories and place them under one cover. No matter what the subject, he has covered it and although most of the great joke tellers will know a good amount of them, there will be enough to still shock and crack up even the most knowledgeable of joke tellers. This will most definitely be yet another favorite amongst his fans or just the perfect addition to any other collection of joke books. From the doings of Little Halis, who is full of malice, to the misadventures in religion, HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT… will keep you and your friends in stitches.This is the perfect book to take anywhere to break the ice at parties or bars.No matter what the situation, there will be a joke that you can share with just about anyone.And as is that wasn’t enough, then there’s a second bonus chapter of poetry that continues where his previous comic poetry left off.Everything from the return of fan favorites Nels Vulger, Lana Dully and Don Tortelli to another set of dating mishaps are offered in this fantastically verbally illustrated book.In HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT… you will find the best of his cynic humor, darc thoughts and absolutely the best collection of jokes you will ever read! And as if that wasn’t enough, Vazqueztell. And to top put a cherry on top of that whole sundae of comedy, Vazqueztell also added a second bonus chapter of the best literal finds of the internet.The Vorld Vide Veb is an incredible collection of bumper stickers, sayings, pick up lines, zany lists and much, much more that will have you bursting into laughter!
About the Author
Believe it or not, the author of this hilarious book started his writing career over a romantic mistake, in a time of sadness and confusion. And both his writing career and his romantic mistake both happened in the college that he graduated from,
However, being the class clown he’s always been, it seemed as if this book had been years upon years in the making. Sure, everyone may know him as a poet, author, and all around storyteller, but anyone that truly knows him will realize that his humor is one-of-a-kind. Nelson has written comic poems before in his first two books (TRUTH, COMEDY & POETRY for ALL and THE V-FILES: The Truth Is In Here). And though his books have, until now, been divided into chapters of serious, romantic and comic work, this is the first time that he goes into full-fledged comedy. Nelson wanted all of his readers to get a pure ‘shot’ of laughter… which he will always call “the best medicine.” Anyone who knows the author personally can tell you, his sense of humor is most definitely part of his personality. Without “funny”, there is no Nelson.
Who would have thought that a guy born and raised in tough old
His next projects consist of a story-end-choosing erotica tales compilation (DARC: Love, Lust & Fantasy), another poetry book (BACK TO THE POETRY) and a trilogy of thriller vampire / werewolf legend novels (CODENAMES: VAMP & WOLF).
You Can Contact Nelson directly at the following e-mail:
darcmaster@yahoo.com