The Cul De Sac Of My Mind
A Collection Of Poems And Songs From The Mind Of Ian Trust
by
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It happened when I was very young; I was but a mere child
OK I did some silly things and occasionally was wild But I don't think I deserved the thing that happened to me But what was to happen afterwards was really a tragedy
At eight years old my family went on a holiday to Spain I used to visit the local shops again and again and again It was an exciting place selling guns and knives and spears At eight years old how I to know this shop was was full of queers
He promised me anything in the display case, just point and it was mine All he wanted was to meet me later for a minute of my time Eager and excited at the presents I'd receive I gladly excepted and waited for that eve
My parents went to a bar to meet some friends they had made And I sneaked out unnoticed (only wish I'd had stayed) I met him at the cliff tops no one else was to be seen He beckoned me over I still was pretty keen
He asked if I had a girlfriend and if I did, did we kiss He asked lots of questions I got scared something was amiss I tried to run but he grabbed me, the tears they made me blind The next thing I remember is the fat man being unkind
He sat down on my chest, I couldn't move, I was too scared to scream All I wanted was to wake up from this hellish awful dream He tried to push himself inside my mouth, he tried very hard I turned my head I kept it closed my sanctuary was barred
But for all the struggling that I did I couldn't stop his haste And I felt the hot liquid, falling on my face He got up and laughed and said that next time would be more fun I was sobbing so much so weakened that I could not run
He stood over by the cliffs edge and started to take a piss It was then that I did it, and I prayed I wouldn't miss I ran up behind him and pushed with all my might I must have caught him off balance for he didn't put up a fight
Then in an instance my torturer was gone from me I wiped my face and ran back to where my mum was waiting for me I never told of my horror to anyone, I blanked it from my mind And I grew up bitter and twisted but now I must unwind
The things that he did to me make me feel so ashamed The fat man from the local shop made me feel I was to blame Could it be that I killed the man when I pushed him off the ledge Having his death on my hands has sent me over the edge
Eight years old and a murderer, I'd be put away for sure And that is why I've kept this quite for thirty years or more I felt embarrassed and ashamed of what he did to me But more so the murder that I committed that makes me worry
I just had to get this burden finally off my chest And hope that god will pardon me and you'll forget the rest I don't want to be ridiculed or have people laugh and point I don't want to hear whispers; it puts me out of joint I still have the horror that happened on that day When an eight year old boy went out on his own to play Sometimes I wake at night trying to get him out of my head But he's still there with me, even though the fat mans dead This may explain a lot of things about why I'm like I am It may also explain why my life's been a giant sham I only ask for two things. Forgiveness from above And for someone out there to show me the true meaning of love
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About the Book
The Cul De Sac Of My Mind is a collection of Ians thoughts and feelings,written in the form of poems and songs and almost autobiographical look into his mind. Some are made up but most are about things that have happened to him, things that changed his life. A lot of what is written was written with tears in his eyes as he wrote his feelings down when he felt them. This is a strangely heartwarming but unnerving and sad book which should be read a bit at a time and not in one sitting.
About the Author
Ian Trust was born in the small market town of Henley on Thames in Oxfordshire in 1966 and enjoyed a pretty normal upbringing until an incident in his life that was to change his emotional wellbeing happened He was abused while on holiday with his parents which he kept to himself for many years and until now his parents knew nothing about it. He was later to see his parents marriage decay and watch as they went their separate ways. His father did his best to control a young boy who tried very hard to rebel against society. But it was the calming influence of his step mother who helped the boy turn into a more rounded man. Ian grew and had many relationships with many women but none were very successful as most of the women in his life were to lie and cheat making Ian an emotional wreck. one of these relationships ended with 2 wonderful children who despite their father have grown into very rounded individuals. An attempted suicide in the mid 90's made Ian open up and decide to turn his life around and so Ian was to marry in 1996 to a woman that all but him could see was not right for him and although they had 2 more children they were to divorce after 4 years due to her adulterous behavior. Ian would see his children as often as he could but his ex wife would later take them from him and to this day he doesn't know where they are. Ian married in 2007 and remains married to Shenna and now lives a happy life in Spain, although he does come to England frequently to visit friends and family.