Chapter 9- Am I Black?
I began to realize as time went by that I didn’t need the perks of PBC to be flyer, cooler or to get girls to like me. I already did that by myself. Their shady behavior began to affect the way I acted. I began to even slightly look down on my Detroit friends. That’s when I knew it was time to start thinking about separating myself from the group.
As time went on I began to find out that even within the group jealousy existed. Steve started talking very badly about Tyrone to me. He was jealous of Tyrone’s light skinned girlfriend from Detroit named London. He was dogging him out because he didn’t think Tyrone, a dark skinned guy deserved, or should be able to be with somebody as light skinned and beautiful as London. They both had their chance to get her attention at the Black Intellectual’s wine and cheese party. Steve expected girls to talk to him cause of the way he looked and because they already knew him. They usually did, but not this time. Tyrone stepped up to the plate and London was so intrigued with how different he was from the Detroit guys she usually talked to. London liked his preppy Polo clothes and how interested he was in politics. She liked how ambitious Tyrone was because he talked about going to law school just like her father. Ever since Tyrone had made London his girl, Steve was determined to do everything in his power to take her away from him. Steve began to think of ways to diminish Tyrone’s popularity and reputation. The very thought of a light skinned girl liking a dark skinned guy over him was unimaginable and he hated the very idea.
This mindset wasn’t totally Steve’s fault. He was raised to think and act this way. Ironically Steve’s mother, Simone, was a very beautiful brown skinned woman who married a white man purposely, so her kids would come out light skinned. Simone was born with a fraternal twin named Emily, who came out light skinned. She also had an older sister who was light skinned too. Both of Simone’s parents were light skinned but both had one dark skinned parent. Simone picked up the genes of both dark skinned grandparents.
Growing up, Simone always felt left out because she didn’t feel as pretty as her other two sisters. She felt she was always overlooked because she wasn’t light skinned like her sisters. Her sisters didn’t make it any better because they would never invite Simone to go with them when they went out. One time they did invite Simone to go on a blind date with them and the guy ended up leaving early because he thought she was going to be light skinned like her sisters. Her mother never discouraged the behavior because rich men used to woo her with gifts in efforts to date her daughters. Her mother was a widow who didn’t mind the extra gifts and income, which helped her family out.
When Simone got older she knew she would purposely either marry, or get pregnant by a white man so her children would be light skinned. She didn’t want her kids to go through the same things she did. Ever since Steve had been born, that was one promise that she kept. She would tell Steve growing up, “Don’t be bringing home no dark skinned, nappy headed girls around this house. All they wanna do is trap you and get pregnant so they can have yo pretty babies.” She knew if she had done it, surely others would do it too. “Trust me I know those types all too well. Trying to get their babies to have good hair like mommie’s baby.” Whenever Steve would play out in the sun she would yell, “Steve get yo yellow butt in the house before you catch a tan and nobody want you. What’s wrong with you? You know how hard mommy worked to make sure you looked as good as you do?”
Steve even gave Simone newfound confidence. Simone would proudly bring her son around her sisters’ daughters who were brown skinned because they both married dark skinned men and their genes didn’t pass down as they had hoped. Simone loved that her sisters’ kids came out darker than Steve. She took pleasure in the thought of her sisters’ kids also suffering and going through the very same thing that kept Simone insecure. She would even make comments to her nieces saying, “Ooo child y'all got some tuff little hair. Don’t y’all? Y’all just a bunch of tuffies, ain’t ya? I don’t know how yo mama gets anything done with it. Must take her hours to bob and weave through all them naps.” Simone would just laugh and think nothing of it but Steve always paid attention to his mother and it affected his behavior. His aunts even seemed to favor him over their own children. They both ended up divorcing their husbands and marrying white men. Steve got his skin superiority complex from his mother and aunts honest. He believed in what his mom said so much that he would even host SECRET light skinned ONLY meetings amongst The Polo Boy Crew.
After I joined the group, Steve told me about one of the secret meetings. At first I was shocked, but I was not surprised because I had suffered from personal issues from being lighter than all of my classmates who were all dark skinned throughout elementary and middle school. They made me fully aware of the fact I was light skinned and they were dark skinned, making me feel like I didn’t belong. I was treated terribly because of it. I was called cracker, honkey, white boy, slave master, casper, ugly etc…Most of this treatment came from the guys and some girls. I didn’t know why but most girls, both light skinned and dark skinned usually defended me from the guys who would always verbally attack me.
A bully nicknamed Lucifer always started the taunts and name-calling in elementary school. He was nicknamed Lucifer because kids feared him and thought he was the devil reincarnated in the flesh. In the 4th grade Lucifer stood at 5’9 and weighed 200 lbs while everybody else in class stood under 5feet. He was tall, dark skinned, strong and had a reputation for beating up kids older and younger than him. He was held back three times because of his horrible grades and unsatisfactory conduct in all of his classes.
Everyday Lucifer and other dark skinned guys would bully me. At first nothing got physical, it was all just an exchange of words. But as the years went on and they got bigger, the worse they treated me. I noticed that I had to defend myself more and more everyday, and each year it got worse. Psychologically, I developed insecurity issues about the complexion of my skin. Early on, I began to not like dark skinned or brown skin people too much. All I had to associate them with was the hatred and torment they showed towards me because I was light skinned and looked different.
Even more confusing at a young age was all the different shades of my immediate family and trying to figure out why only I came out the way I did. My mother was lighter than me with green eyes and my father was dark skinned with dark brown eyes. My oldest brother, Christopher was a caramel complexion with green eyes, my second oldest brother, Charles, was brown skinned with hazel eyes, and my two other brothers Brian and Kevin were both dark skinned with dark brown eyes. I didn’t understand why we were all different shades and colors. Color was just something that we never talked about at my house. As far as I knew my race was Christian because that’s what I was taught in church but apparently that wasn’t true. Everybody loved each other in my family and got along for the most part. I never noticed a difference in the way we looked until after Lucifer began to taunt me all the time at school. The day-to-day taunting had confused me into thinking I was white. A fact I kept from my family at the time because I thought they already knew.
As the years went by, I was continuously called cracker, honkey, whitey, slave master and casper. When I would watch the news with my mother, who I thought was white, I was proud and felt right where I belonged. When I watched the news, I only saw horrible images of blacks killing each other and commit