Why Is the Soft Side the Hardest Part?

Excerpt from Chapter 2: Cruel To Be Kind

Let’s talk about some truths for a moment that must not be sidestepped. One truth is that some managers, when they hear the term soft side, are immediately skeptical. Perhaps they fear that it signals a time for group hugs or handholding teams singing “Kumbaya.” It sounds foreign in the workplace. It feels uncomfortable, even wimpy. Indeed, it may seem as if a philosophy focused on the soft side belongs anywhere but in a hardcore business environment. As good friend and leadership coach Stan Slap once said, “Businesses are nothing more than self-serving economic entities.” This hardly sounds like an environment conducive to leading with heart and focused on the people side of business.

But here’s another truth: The soft side is anything but soft. There is actually nothing soft about it; it is inordinately hard. My philosophy is centered on the people that make business work. It is a philosophy that enables creation of meaningful emotional commitment among employees and teams to achieve outstanding results. But without question, my philosophy did not permit me to ignore the leadership requirement to do some very difficult things. In fact, paradoxically, it emphatically implored me to tackle those uncomfortable issues that invariably arise when leading people.

Business, indeed life, is not a consequence-free zone. As an old axiom says, the truth hurts. But I note with comfort that ancient scripture also claims the “truth will set you free” (John 8:32 NIV). This is nowhere more evident than when leading people with integrity and authenticity. As a leader, confronting people with truth can be extremely difficult for the leader as well as the employee, especially when truth must confront an employee’s poor performance, failure, or ethics. There is no place for cruelty in the work place, but it is even crueler to varnish truth or to spin it disingenuously when confronting issues with employees. Ignoring the truth patronizes the workforce, weakens the business, and undermines the leader. If speaking harsh truths is cruel, I submit that it ultimately is more kind than avoiding that truth. That is not a soft-side leader’s philosophy; that’s merely soft and cowardly. A genuine soft-side leader confronts the truth and speaks it without apology, especially when dealing with employees.

People will make mistakes. People will disappoint. People will behave unethically at times and sometimes will be irresponsible. And sometimes, people will fail. When these behaviors manifest in the work environment, there are consequences for the individual, consequences for the team, consequences for the business, and consequences for the leader. Indeed, there must be consequences, and these cannot be glossed over simply because a leader is committed to the soft side and leading with heart. In my view, a soft-side philosophy must be even more committed to truth and integrity in dealings with all employees as the leader unwaveringly faces and speaks truth as a vehicle to better serve employees, customers, teammates, colleagues, and ultimately, the business.

This might be speaking the truth about a flawed program or initiative. It might be the truth about an employee’s advancement potential. It might be the truth about the quality of or pricing for a product. Yet many times, revenue pressures, cost pressures, and political pressures make speaking truth a risky endeavor; nonetheless, authenticity requires it. A commitment to people requires it, and it is not easy, but there can be no escape. A leader committed to the soft side is likewise committed to speaking the truth in every circumstance. There is nothing soft about it, but it’s more kind than shrinking from the consequences by spin or “making nice” to get along. It takes courage.

Although I often philosophize about there being an important place for love in the workplace, I’m speaking about a form of tough love that never shrinks from insisting upon the highest standards of personal and employee accountability. I think the primary reason managers shrink from this word, omit it from our leadership lexicon, or worse, exclude the emotion altogether from human engagement in the workplace is because we have a wrong-headed notion about what love means in the context of leading others or leading business.

It is certainly not love based on feelings of attraction, as love based on feelings is focused on self-benefit rather than benefit for another. Nor is it love based merely on friendship between people. While friendship may be the foundation for many successful relationships, being a leader does not mean that you must befriend everyone. It is not about merely being friends. When I speak of a leader loving his people, I am speaking of a selfless love, based on service to others without self-benefit. I am speaking of being truthful. To truly unleash the potential of others, to serve them and to help them grow, a leader must love in this unconditional way. Much like parenting, however, leaders set boundaries, set expectations, provide encouragement, implement discipline, provide guidance, and have performance standards with both accountability and consequences.

A philosophy rooted in the soft side does not mean being a leader who is soft on accountability. Quite to the contrary: a leader focused on the soft side doesn’t merely offer a loving pat on the back or a sympathetic ear or look the other way. A leader confronts each situation directly, strongly, and decisively with unwavering commitment to the principle of accountability and the consequence for one’s actions.