Self-Love

Imagine a high school with hundreds of teens going in and out of classrooms, cafeterias, walking the hallways and entering forbidden staff-only passages. Some are experiencing their first year, while others are nearing the end of their high school journeys. What are the challenges faced by this multitude? There are many … Now fast forward some thirty years later. Those teens of the past are now nearing the fifty-year mark. Where (how) do we find them? Perhaps they are still in high school hallways, classrooms, or staff designated areas. Only now they move about in adult forms – parents, grandparents, community leaders, and faculty or staff members. What are the challenges faced by this multitude? Again, there are many … Life expectations suggest a stark difference between the challenges faced by the high school students, compared to those experienced by the almost fifty year olds. In many cases this would be an accurate assessment. Consider some of the challenges: The teen wrestles with initial romantic encounters, while the fifty year old struggles with romance maintenance (keeping it alive amidst life’s demands) or recovery after the end of it – divorce; the teen’s thoughts of the future center on whether to attend college or not, while the fifty year old ponders mid-life career changes. How to make a difference in the lives of others (leaving a legacy) is a likely thought of the elder, while much of the teen’s mental energy focuses on what she wants and what makes her happy. In a sense, the struggles are similar, yet when viewed through the lens of life’s stages, they are starkly different – at least the potential consequences are. There is one challenge however, that looms large in both life periods. Consider this…the teen who never really learned to love herself very likely – at fifty – has not learned to love who she is today. The absence of self-love is one of life’s greatest tragedies! An increase in your capacity to love yourself is my hope as you journey through this dialogue on self-love. LOVE When speaking of love, I am not referencing this madness that leads to willful abandonment of one’s good senses. Love is not an animalistic lust that leads to the pursuit of sexual desires at any cost. It is not a euphoric experience that can be easily turned on today and off tomorrow, fueled by the emotions of experiences and expectations. Nor is it the need to be with, possess, or conquer the person of our dreams or (all too often) nightmares. These ways of being are NOT love. They are but a semblance of one of the most powerfully rewarding states a high school teen, fifty year old, or any human could ever achieve. Love is the greatest gift we can give ourselves and ultimately others. Hopefully, by now you are asking the obvious: What is love? A review of literature leaves us with many definitions for this very powerful word. For the purposes of our journey, however, I offer the following explanation of love: Love is an authentic acceptance and valuing of a person in the moment without demand of otherness. Basically it means you are accepted and valued just as you are. When we truly love, we authentically (genuinely) accept and value. Consider engaging a newborn baby. We certainly don’t demand or expect of them and yet we freely give the best we have to offer - We love! Loving an infant without demand is absolutely necessary if they are to grow into an emotionally healthy individual, this is rather obvious. Perhaps not so apparent is the need for this kind of love throughout life. We are emotionally healthier when we love ourselves in this manner and when we experience this kind of love from others. Authentic acceptance and valuing is also a precursor to healthy change. It is the unspoken motivation to become our better selves. Through this lens of self-love, we come to understand and appreciate that love (authentic acceptance and valuing) is not a license to remain stagnate, to shirk responsibility to self and others, or to continue to do that which is not beneficial – like mistreating others with the excuse “this is just the way that I am.” This statement may seem contradictory to the notion of “without demand of otherness.” There is treasure inherent in the act of accepting and valuing humans just because we are. This attitude is fertile ground for being ok with whom we are today, while also moving toward becoming our better selves. Throughout the book, you will notice that I employ inclusive language (we and us). Not only am I writing to help others learn to better love themselves, but I too must continue growing in this area. Thus, while speaking to you, I am also reminding myself of the need to continually increase this gift in my life. Now on to self-love … SELF-LOVE Self-love is an accepting, valuing and embracing of one’s entire self, inclusive of an activating awareness, which motivates toward the need to continually change for the better. In other words, while I recognize the need to keep getting better, I love and celebrate who I am now. NOTE: Self-loathing conversation is never acceptable. Honesty is always acceptable, but how we say something is sometimes more important than what we say. For example: in speaking to me, it is acceptable to say “Kathy that wasn’t a nice thing you did.” It is never acceptable to say, “Kathy you are a horrible [or use any self-defeating term] person for the thing you did.” I certainly believe we must be honest with ourselves if we are going to improve, but negative self-talk does not help the process; it hinders the process of change. While engaging in this type of behavior, you become your own road block. Is this your intention? Probably not. Increasing levels of self-love compels us to better our best.