Where Do All the Lost Socks Go?
A Comedy of Missed Opportunities
by
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Emma: Well, you need to drop what you’re doing and come out here. I don’t want you to miss my big TV interview with the Eyeball Morning News. Bob: {Clanking of a wrench can be heard} Oh, is that on. {A smacking sound is heard as Bob cracks a knuckle on the pipes} Ow, wow! Emma: Bob, what did you do? Bob: {Enters through the maintenance door to face Emma. Bob is rubbing his hand} Just a little slip of the wrench, Miss Emma. Nothing these knuckles haven’t had happen to them countless times before, it’s just that initial smart that catches you off guard. That thing has more hoses and connections than half the machines in this shop put together. Emma: You love it and you know it. { Tracy appears in the door of the laundry and enters} Tracy: Good morning, Miss Emma. Good morning, Bob. Emma & Bob: Good morning, Tracy. Emma: Tracy, you’re just in time for the big interview on the Eyeball morning news. Tracy: Don’t just stand there turn it up. TV Anchor: Joining us now is Miss Emma Trowbridge of the Lost Sock Laundromat, good morning. Tracy: Look there you are! TV Emma: Good Morning. Emma: {to Tracy} What do you think of my hair? Tracy: {Looking at Emma} It looks fine, Miss Emma. Emma: Not me now, on TV. Tracy: Oh, it’s . . . different. Bob: Would you two be quiet? Emma & Tracy: Sorry. TV Anchor: So, what’s this big announcement that you have for the community? TV Emma: Well, pretty soon we’re going to be offering a new service to the community that hopefully will be filling a gap that we’ve had for a long time. TV Anchor: Tell me more. How did you identify this gap? Tracy: {To Emma} Gap? {Emma waves towards the TV} TV Emma: Some extensive market research has shown that this area has a desperate need for large object facilities. Tracy: {To Emma} Large object, what? Emma: That’s okay, he didn’t get it either. TV Anchor: I’m sorry; you’ll have to be a little more basic for me. I’m just a reporter and I don’t understand all of the inner workings of the laundry business. TV Emma: First all, we don’t call it the laundry business. Emma: Listen to this. Listen. TV Emma: It’s the Universal Fabric Maintenance and Restoration Service. UFMRS pronounced oof-mars, is a highly specialized segment of the economy that supports a wide range of consumers. Bob: Oof-mars, I like the sound of that. TV Anchor: I see, so how does this large object facility assist the wide range of consumers in the oof-mars industry. Tracy: Nice recovery. TV Emma: Well put. Essentially, it means that we can now provide our patrons the ability to launder large or bulky objects such as carpets, large bed spreads, curtains and the like. Bob: That is if I ever get that thing hooked up. Emma: I have faith you’ll get it. TV Anchor: And your marketing research indicated that this was something that the community needed? TV Emma: Yes, it showed there was a desperate need. Tracy: {To Emma} Market research! What market research? TV Anchor: Did you use a high powered marketing firm to help you gather this information that lead to your decision. TV Emma: Oh no, we conducted all of the marketing internally. Tracy: You did what? Emma: We did too. Tracy: Ms. Emma. I’m here just as much as you are any more, and I don’t recall doing any market research before you up and said we needed to buy that honking behemoth of a washing machine over there. Emma: Now Tracy, don’t get your blood pressure up, but I have been asking several of our patrons for some time what they wanted that would help improve our service offerings. Tracy: You call that market research? Emma: I most certainly do. Tracy: And can you name any of those {using air quotes} patrons? {Erin and Chuck enter, chuck is carrying a large sack of laundry} Emma: Here comes one of them right now. Erin: Morning, Ms. Emma. Tracy, Bob. How are you doing today? {Chuck drops the laundry sack near a washing machine} Tracy: Oh, we’re just watching Ms. Emma on the morning news give an interview. Bob: And discussing the finer points of market research. Erin: Oh, that’s nice. Emma: Good morning, Charles Randolph. Chuck: Good morning, Ms. Emma. {To Mom} Can I have a quarter? Erin: May I have a quarter. Chuck: Yes, mom, may I have a quarter? Emma: {Pulling a quarter out of her pocket} Here you go, Charles. First one’s on me. {Chuck reaches out and hesitates to take it, then looks at his mom who nods approvingly} Erin: What do you say? Chuck: Thank you, Ms. Emma. {Chuck bows like a gentlemen and then heads over to the pinball machine} Emma: Your very welcome, sir. Erin: So, what is this about marketing research? Bob: We were just discussing here after watching Ms Emma on TV . . . Erin: You are on TV? Tracy: She most certainly is {points out to the TV} Erin: What’s wrong with it? Emma: Oh, it does that flickering thingy when I paused it. DVRs are wonderful invention aren’t they? Bob: As I was saying, Ms. Emma got on the Eyeball Morning news and was talking a little bit about our latest addition. {He steps back and sweeps his arms towards the direction of the Wash-O-Matic 3000} Erin: Oooh, what’s that? Bob: It’s the GP Wash-O-Matic 3000, super capacity washer and dryer. Chuck: Wow, you mean that thing washes and dries at the same time? Bob: No, but it will do both. Erin: It looks big. Emma: Its one of the largest production laundry machines in the world. Tracy: Which brings us back to the Marketing research that was done that inspired Ms. Emma to acquire such a massive machine. Erin: I’m very interested in market research, that’s part of what I do for a living. Emma: I didn’t know that. Bob: Well, if you all are gonna start talking business, I best get back to hooking up ol’ Curiosity. Tracy: Curiosity? What’s Curiosity? Bob: {Smiling} Exactly. {Exits though maintenance door} Tracy: Did I miss something? Emma: Erin, what do you have to do with Marketing? Erin: I help out with surveys that our firm puts out. I compile the data that gets collected and I try to identify core demographics that could be impacted by implementing various strategies that are targeted to those statistics. Emma: {A bit overwhelmed by her response} Oh. Tracy: Would you quit changing the subject, I want to know what “marketing research” you did that inspired you to purchase that machine that Bob is quickly falling in love with. Emma: {struggling} I . . . um compiled some data from a set of demographic surveys that showed me statistics of various strategies.
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About the Book
Ms. Emma runs a small laundry known in the community as the Lost Sock. She has a lot of regular customers, and her staff is top of the line, but some recent issues with the bank have left her and her employees with some doubts about the future of the laundry. News around town spreads of a recent robbery as a stranger, who carries with him a bag full of questions, pays the Lost Sock a visit. Ms. Emma, in a last-ditch effort to save her precious Laundromat, has purchased a new supersized machine to help the community with their large-volume laundry needs. All this cultivates into a hilarious look at how life brings us all kinds of opportunities, some of which we take and others we misplace completely.
About the Author
Matthew Graphman is a twenty-year veteran in the information technology world. He studied writing and drama, as well as computers, while attending Bob Jones University in the late eighties and early nineties. In school, he was involved in more than nine productions, including the university’s production of Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew. Since then, he has written several one acts, a musical, numerous sketches used for vacation bible school, two novels, and several children’s books. He met his wife, Wendy, of twenty-five years in college and started a family shortly after graduating in 1991. He currently resides in Bloomington, Indiana, with his wife and two youngest children, Kathryn (Kat) and Ethan. He continues to write, direct, and produce dramas in his local church and believes that God uses the medium of drama to encourage the saints and challenge the lost.