Jesus and I

By this time, I was walking around the neighborhood in my painter's overalls with Doc Marten's on, a gallon of milk in one hand, and a cane in the other. I stopped by my current employer's house, left the cane there and he told me to go home. I returned to my parent's house but as I approached the door my jaw clenched my teeth gnashed and the only phrase that came out was jeass like I was about to say, Jesus. My parents called the cops because I was acting so weird. I later told my sister that I had nothing to live for in this world. I went into the backyard and that's when the cops came. I was bleeding all over the house because I tried to skateboard down a hill with my eyes closed as some kind of leap of faith but fell and hurt my elbow. That must have happened on a different date maybe earlier in the week because it doesn't match with the rest of my memory. The cops took me away and that's when things got even worse. They put me in a holding cell but since I wouldn't pee for them or sign any papers they put me in a solitary cell. This is where I believe I experienced the equivalent of marching into hell in my mind. There were drums and all kinds of calamity. I pictured that it was going on outside too and that the firemen had turned their water hoses into gasoline and were setting everything ablaze. I tried to knock myself out but couldn't and gave up. I was very cold because I was only in my Hanes underwear by this point with no blanket that the cops usually provide. I later thought I was going to die in there and be forgotten. Time stood still and with no windows, I had no concept of day or night. Things reached their climax after bouncing off the walls a lot when I stopped and opened my mouth and a smoky figure came out of my mouth, it looked at me for only a second and then got sucked up into the vent. I was terrified, did I lose my soul in the process? I'm not sure but I was at my breaking point. As I was there red lines appeared on the floor and eventually there were three lines. The name Judas was etched into the glass window, and I thought was I Judas? I had a vision of the cops coming in and blowing my brains out. I was singing that I knew why the caged bird sang. I was so loud in there that I made the opposing cellmate across the hall also go crazy. As I looked at him in there he turned into a Rottweiler. All of a sudden hours later I woke up and it was all dark, my eyes were open and I was not dreaming. I saw all of these little lights hovering around a stratosphere of an even brighter light I saw this for only a little while until I passed out again. All the lights were descending toward the middle, it was almost like I reached heaven and it was all in that cell. Later the next day in the cell it felt like I was left in there for eternity and that I was never going to get out. I envisioned the earth flooding in Hayward and me drowning down there. I had a bed roll which I opened up took the stuffing out and rolled over it back and forth on the ground. I eventually climbed into it thinking they would take me out like a dead body. Now etched on the glass was the name of Jesus, did they move me to a new cell when I was out, I don’t know. When the guard saw this mess I had made he made me put it back together. The light experience and the rest of these 24 hours were so intense it has given me PTSD to this day. That is when I started hallucinating without drugs and hearing voices without drugs. Was that what heaven or hell is going to be like? I will probably never know. Eventually, my parents came and got me, but I was still completely insane. That Monday night I kept running up and down in front of where I lived saying I am not, as in I am not God. I thought everyone was out to get me and eventually the cops were called. I told them I thought I was going to die so they took me to a hospital which eventually led me straight to the mental hospital John George a county facility. John George Summer 2004 John George was almost as horrible as a jail in solitary going through my hell. The bathrooms were not kept clean they were covered in flies which larvae would crawl into your feet if you weren't careful. One man in particular showered fully clothed. As I walked around I kept covering my ears because I thought I was hearing voices but really it was the other crazy people talking about me, or so I thought. The people in there thought they were going to make a medical show about us. One man who I thought was Sean Connery and went by the name Flu Fly said that the Beatles had a weather machine and that the hospital floated. Another lady said that she had a way of contacting other spirits and that our bodies were just like spaceships. I eventually came to some sort of sanity after my parents visited me a couple of times. I wish I could say this was my last encounter at a mental ward but I would eventually go about 4 more times all due to the overuse of weed, the giving up of weed, or some combination of sleep deprivation.