History For Idiots: Papal Trivia
by
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CHAPTER VI
ON HOW A WOMAN BECAME POPE
AND A PAPAL CORPSE WAS PLACED ON TRIAL
Woe to you lawyers also!
Because you load men with
oppressive burdens and you
yourselves with one of your
fingers do not touch the burdens.
~Luke 11:46-52
(a) There has never been a female pope
(b) Poppo/Boppo of Brixen
(c) Nancy Reagan
(d) Joan
Answer: (d)
According to historians, churchmen, and documents contained in the Vatican library, sometime back in the ninth century, a WOMAN was believed to have been elected POPE! Supposedly a young girl named Joan disguised herself as a priest and traveled to Rome where her reputation as a scholar propelled her into the papacy.
- Pope Joan lost her job because she showed up:
(a) Late
(b) Drunk
(c) On drugs
(d) Nine months pregnant
Answer: (d)
Joan ruled for two years, until that fateful day whilst riding in a procession, she fell from her horse and gave birth to a son. Quickly figuring that popes are not supposed to become mothers, the Romans tied her to the horse's tail, dragged her about the city, and stoned her to death.
For centuries Joan's story was preached as gospel throughout Europe. The faithful accepted her papacy as fact, and her bust (that is to say a statue of her head) remained on display in the Cathedral of Siena until the late 16th century. Although historians now believe she never existed, it is interesting that people not only had believed in Joan, but believed she had been elected as the best available candidate. None of the stories ever hinted that she had governed unwisely, or had been a bad pope. Her downfall resulted merely from her becoming an unwed mother.
- According to legend, until the time of Pope Leo X in the 15th century, each new pope sat upon an open "throne" called the "Stella Stercoraria." This special seat allowed a priest to touch the new pope’s private parts in order to:
(a) Give the priest a thrill
(b) Give the new pope a thrill
(c) Give the priest and the new pope a thrill
(d) Verify the new pope was "man enough" for the job
Answer: (d)
- According to legend, Leo X escaped being inspected on the "Stella Stercoraria" because:
(a) He pulled a gun
(b) He pulled a knife
(c) He pulled a grenade
(d) He had a nasty case of hemorrhoids
Answer: (d)
- Pope John VIII was the first pope to:
(a) Create a navy
(b) Capture 18 enemy ships
(c) Be hammered unto his death
(d) All of the above
Answer: (d)
Elected in the year 872, Pope John found himself beset by enemies. On the domestic front there was a pushy bishop named Formosus after his job, whom John excommunicated and exiled. In foreign affairs there were the Moslems, against whom John built a navy, appointed himself as the first (and only) admiral pope, and personally captured eighteen enemy ships in battle. Lamentably, the papal Popeye failed to notice that some of his "friends" wanted him replaced by Formosus. Initially the assassins tried poison. When that failed, they beat the poor bugger to death with hammers.
- Pope Formosus is famous because he was:
(a) Able to leap tall buildings
(b) Faster than a speeding bullet
(c) More powerful than a locomotive
(d) Put on trial - as a stinking, rotting corpse
Answer: (d)
Elected in the year 891, Pope Formosus found himself beset by enemies. Some blamed him for the murder of John VIII; others hated him because of his penchant for crowning multiple Holy Roman Emperors. In any event he died in April of 896 and that was that ... until January of 897, when Pope Stephen VI convened the infamous "cadaver synod." In other words he ordered the corpse of Formosus dug up, garbed in papal vestments, propped upon a throne, and put on trial.
Although Pope Stephen ranted and raved, Pope Formosus remained uncooperative. In addition, due to his bunking with the worms for almost a year, Formosus hardly looked (or smelled) his best. Another detriment to his defense was the fact that he refused to answer any questions - on the grounds that he was dead. His silence notwithstanding, the court somehow found Formosus guilty of perjury.
- After a bolt of lightning hit the building in which Formosus’ trial was being held, Pope Stephen:
(a) Bought a lightning rod
(b) Checked his homeowner's insurance policy
(c) Took it as a sign of God's displeasure and granted Formosus a Christian burial
(d) Chopped off Formosus' fingers of benediction, and had the corpse stripped naked, dragged through the streets of Rome, and hurled into the Tiber River
Answer: (d)
Formats
Book Details
About the Book
The book is a trivia list of multiple choice questions where the answer is always "d." Mimicking the style of the author - humorist Mr. Dave Barry, it seeks to impart a smattering of knowledge about popes - most especially the more oddball ones. For example, whereas Bill Clinton was taken to task for engaging in sex with a White House intern, Pope Alexander VI was accused of fathering a child ... with his own daughter. Other pontiffs among this papal roster of rascals include: John VIII - he created a navy, captured 18 enemy ships, and was hammered to death by his own bishops;
Over the past two millennia, there have been 264 true popes with another 30 or so imposters, or "antipopes." The vast majority of these have been Italian, along with 15 French, 3 Martians, 1 English, 1 Dutch, 1 Polish, and a partridge in a pear tree. In theory, any male Roman Catholic laymen can become pope. But, in reality, usually only cardinals make the cut. And, needless to say, no woman has ever been elected pope (except Pope Joan).
Why the title "idiots" you might well ask? Simple. When it comes to history, most Americans are, shall we say, somewhat "intellectually challenged." They are not born that way, nor is the condition self-inflicted. They are victims. They hate history simply because misguided fools (called teachers) have crammed their heads full of meaningless, politically correct rubbish.
About the Author
Michael Wall holds a Bachelor of Arts Degree in History from Saint Joseph’s University. For almost ten years, he worked for the Navy, traveling throughout the United States and Europe. Since 1983, he has been with the Environmental Protection Agency writing on topics ranging from supercomputers to building houses on Superfund sites. Excerpts of his reports have been included in testimony before Congress, as well as in the Philadelphia Inquirer, Washington Post, and the New York Times. His reports have also been highlighted on several ABC World News Tonight "It’s Your Money" segments. Mr. Wall is married with two children. Beyond writing about history, his interests include coaching - 37 Little League, Fast Pitch Softball, and Soccer teams to date - splitting firewood, carpentry, building plastic model airplanes, and playing with toys.