A Healing Divorce: Transforming the End of Your Relationship with Ritual and Ceremony

From A Healing Divorce

Not everyone believes a healing divorce is possible. When you think about it, such skepticism really isn't surprising. Ours is a happily-ever-after world where songs, books and movies overwhelm us with fantasies of romance. Love is expected to last forever and, when it doesn't, hurt and disappointment suggest that somebody must have done somebody wrong. Just as we've all come to expect certain feelings and behaviors as part of romance, so we expect that if a love relationship ends, whether it be a love affair or a marriage, that will result in what we call the ABCs of separation and divorce: accusation, bitterness, conflict; acrimony, blaming, and contempt.

We also live in a society where an adversarial legal system promotes an "us vs. them" mentality. In the context of divorce, this usually becomes "me vs. him or her." Conflict and contempt typically lead to court, where one side must lose for the other to win. There may be a momentary satisfaction in winning. But when you "defeat" someone you've lived with and loved for many years, who may be the mother or father of your children, is it any wonder that such a "victory" feels Pyrrhic, and that the guilt and regret that follow may have a crippling effect on the rest of your life?

Consider also the effects of such conflict on your children. Research over the last decade has shown that while divorce may be a relief to one or both partners, children suffer from the break-up of a family. They’re never really prepared for it. But it is all but unbearable from a child's point of view when the conflict between parents doesn't end, and may even escalate. In a separation or divorce, marital anger is often difficult to contain and sometimes spills over onto children, with potentially devastating effects. Some of the most poignant responses to our parting ceremony came from adults who had been children of a divorce. One wistful college student we spoke to said, "I wish my parents had been able to do something like this; my life sure would have been different." (See more about children in Chapter 6.)

If all this isn't difficult enough, because we're only human and live in a tabloid culture, many of us also fall victim to Schadenfreude. This German word describes the perverse pleasure people sometimes get from the suffering of others; misery loves company and, hey, my divorce was hell, so how could yours be any better? Why should it be?

Taken all together, the disappointments of romance, the conflicts inherent in the adversarial legal system and our temptation to Shadenfreude have combined to create what we call The Myth of the Bad Divorce. That is, all divorces are by definition acrimonious. We are to expect the worst of each other, accept the worst of ourselves, and consider wounding, destructive conflict as normal. Unfortunately, when people in marital crisis buy into this myth, it often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. But it doesn't have to be ... We hope that the stories in this book told by people who have used ritual and ceremony in the service of a healing divorce will change this attitude and encourage partings that are gentler, more creative, humane and life affirming.

Because of the many negative attitudes about divorce prevalent in our society, a healing divorce may seem like an oxymoron. If you're skeptical, or cynical, or even feel a bit angry, that’s all right. The Myth of the Bad Divorce is mighty powerful. But its power is waning. Here's our advice: ignore the nay-sayers and follow your heart. It's true, divorce can be a harsh and painful reality. Sadly, we've all been conditioned to expect the worst. But even if you feel like the walking wounded, divorcing doesn't have to imitate The War of the Roses. Our experience, and the experience of others whose stories you'll read in this book, leads us to believe that, with the help of ritual, you can end your relationship with truth, love, care and forgiveness. No, it's not always easy, but we believe that you ...and your children ... will find it worth the effort. As you try to decide if a healing divorce is worthwhile for you, here are some questions to ask.

Did you love your partner?

Did you share a life together?

Was some of it wonderful and worth remembering?

Do you grieve his loss, or hers?

Do you care about your children's emotional well-being?

Do you care about your own?

Do you want to go on with your life? Learn from your experience? Bring more consciousness to a new relationship?

Do you prefer healing over conflict, peace over power, forgiveness over vengeance?

Despite the pain and anger you may feel, if you're like most people you probably answered "yes" to all of these questions. Doesn't it make sense, then, to do what you can to bring healing to the end of your relationship? Certainly, you may feel grief, fear, anger, jealousy, all the familiar emotions that make divorce so painful and difficult. But if you're willing, ritual can help end your relationship with integrity and honor in a ceremony that often proves as meaningful as the wedding that began the marriage.

Sound too good to be true? You bet, but only in the context of a culture that promotes the Myth of the Bad Divorce. Instead of Schadenfreude and legal battles where there are ultimately no winners, imagine a world where we could genuinely celebrate ceremonies of parting in which the goodness of a past relationship is carefully honored, difficult present feelings are truthfully shared and the future is gracefully accepted.