Golfhead and the Grass Menagerie

(Excerpt 1)

'Hello I'm from Mars. I want to play on your golf team. My name is Delbert Stanks.'

The barefoot, longhaired young man with fixed blue eyes approached coach Haena and myself as we stood on the first tee at Gleam University's new golf course in Nevada. He was a small man only about 5' 7'. He carried a golf club whose origin hinted to the eldest of the elders of the Ancient and Royal game in Scotland. The writing on his cap stated: 'Jesus was a caddie.' Rabbits, squirrels, field mice, possums, birds of rare plumage were all around him.

'I'm coach Haena. I'm from Earth. You want to play on my golf team? You have a better chance of getting hit with that asteroid thing. The one nobody knows where it came from or where it's going. Ugh...maybe you saw it in your travels from Mars.'

'I'm from Mars, Pennsylvania Sir,' Delbert said. 'I'm from Earth too. Just because I'm blind doesn't mean I'm incapable. The good Lord taketh my sight but he gave me extraordinary powers that I will be forever grateful.'

'Son, I'm sorry, I had no idea you were blind,' coach Haena said. 'You seem so...'

'Normal,' Delbert said.

'Well, no not normal, especially with that entourage you have with you, 'Coach said. 'How do you get around if your blind?'

'I always seem to make quick friends and they help guide me.'

'We can see that,' I said. 'That's quite an array of critterdom you got there. Why don't you just get a Seeing Eye dog?'

'I don't need one. I don't want to take one from someone who does.'

'Look's like you don't need shoes either,' coach Haena said.

'I prefer to feel the earth with my feet,' Delbert said, 'I can find my way better.'

'Delbert, are you a Christian,' I asked.

'Yes sir, I am.'

'Than how can you wear a hat that says, 'Jesus was a caddie?'' I asked.

'I don't mean to be disrespectful. Jesus carried the cross for you and me. He was everyone's caddie.'

'He's got a point there,' coach Haena said.

'All you golfers brains are cooked,' I said. 'You spend to much time in the sun.'

'Are you a student at Gleam?' coach asked.

'Yes sir, I'm a junior studying agriculture.'

'Your studying agriculture here in the dessert,' Coach said. 'Other than the two golf courses there isn't much agriculture here.'

'I'm going to change that,' Delbert said.

'With all respects son, why do you think you could play on my golf team?'

'My daddy is a caddie and a minister. Summers he packed up the whole family and we went up to Mars Hill, North Carolina where my granddaddy who is a caddie and a minister lives. Granddaddy used to live in Mars but he moved to Mars Hill to be closer to God. He'd caddie and preach all around the great state of North Carolina, sometimes even at Pinehurst. My granddaddy once shot 114 at Pinehurst.'

'That's not bad for an older fella,' coach said. 'Pinehurst is a difficult course.'

'He was twenty-four years old when he did it,' Delbert said. 'That was his best year.'

'Is your father and grandfather blind?' Coach asked.

(Excerpt 2)

Why does this guy think he can be a good golfer, Fraena thought. Is there a chance he could still be faking his blindness? What's he really looking for? Sure that was real blood, and Doctor Stantz assured Fraena again this morning that Delbert indeed was still blind. Another slight concussion yes, but still blind and likely to remain that way for life, No, there was no reason to believe Delbert was not blind. She should do her best trying to teach him a little golf. The doctor was right. Dad was right. Just a little success might prove to be very beneficial with her career as a therapist. She would give him a chance.

Delbert was already on the secluded fourth hole on the old course...again. He felt good. He was excited, his voice was low. 'You guys are making her feel like she's at a circus. Shhhh... Here she comes.'

No reason at all to be doubtful anymore Fraena thought. Unless...what if Dr. Stantz was in on this for some reason. How could she be sure?

'Hello, Miss Haena. Nice morning, isn't it. A little cool but I like it like that.'

'Good morning, Delbert. How's your head?'

'Fine. I'm used to bumps like that. I'm ready for lessons.'

'Do you think you could get used to these, Delbert?' Fraena had unzipped her jacket and was holding it open. Her breast were exposed.

Delbert faced Fraena, his eyes were open. He showed no change in behavior. 'What are you talking about Fraena?'

'These. These round things!' Fraena said.

'I'm sorry,' Delbert said. 'I can't see them.'

'Then feel them,' Fraena said. She raised Delbert's hands in front of her than put her hands in her jacket. 'These are new golf balls. They're made of contrell. It's a new material, a little softer. Great feel.' She placed a golf ball in each of Delbert's hands.

'They feel really nice, Mrs. Haena,' Delbert said.

'Well, we're gonna use them today. Are you ready to play golf now, Delbert?'

'Yes, I am?'

'Let's get something straight between us Delbert-right now,' Fraena said. 'Here are the ground rules. At times I'll have to place my hands on various parts of your body to show you: how to move a certain area; to simulate how much pressure should be here or there; to guide your movements into precise motions. Make no mistake. This is purely business. Don't think for a second I'm coming on to you. Don't get any romantic notions in that head of yours. Don't make any advances toward me or I'll make you a sore blind person. Is that perfectly clear Delbert? Focus your mind's eye on that. Any questions?'

'When do we begin?'

(66 pages)