Jokes My Mother Never Told Me
by
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Jokes My Mother Never Told Me A collection of Hilarious Adult Dirty Jokes & Humor hi lar'i ous, -a. 1. extremely funny 2. very gay or merry. Jokes My Mother Never Told Me
a dult', -a. grown-up; mature. -n mature person.
dirt ' y, -a. 1. soiled. 2. obscene 3. filthy.
joke, n 1. anything said or done to arouse laughter.
hu'mor, -n. 1. comical quality; talk; 2. ability to express that which is funny.
Webster's New World Pocket Dictionary
Performance Evaluation
Mickey had taken this beautiful nymphomaniac to bed for the first time. He was working away very hard, but she was not responding to his efforts. Finally, in exasperation, he asked her, "What's the matter?" She said, "It's your organ. I just don't think it's big enough." Mickey replied,
"Well, I didn't think I'd be playing in a cathedral!"
Seeing The City Sights In A Horse And Buggy
Paul and Katie are taking a horse & buggy ride in the midst of their fun filled Windy City honeymoon. The carriage goes down a very bumpy cobblestone avenue. One particularly rough jolt causes Katie to cut an incredibly loud fart. (It was so bad the horse actually stopped and turned around. ) Being terribly embarrassed, Katie thought she had better start up a conversation. She asks, "Paul, honey, should we stop along the way and pick up a paper?" Paul says, "No, dear, when we go through the park,
I'll reach out and grab you a handful of leaves."
Bathroom Romp
Overcome with lust, Tom was wildly humping Susan on the tile floor in her bathroom. Suddenly he anxiously shouts, "Spread your legs! Wider! Wider!" Susan screams, "Just what are you trying to do? Get your balls in too?" Tom answered,
"Hell, No! I'm trying to get them out!"
Beach Bunny
Janie was relaxing on a Florida beach, enjoying the sun and stud muffins. After a while, she attempted to strike up a casual conversation with the young attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers. "Hello!" she said, "Do you like movies?" He glanced up and replied, "Yes, I do." Then he rolled over and returned to his magazine. Janie, not used to being ignored persisted. "Do you like gardening?" The man once again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading. Undaunted, Janie, being an avid animal lover, asked him, "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Janie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand finally began to settle, Janie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man thought for a moment and replied,
"How did you know my name was Katz?"
Chinese Father Questions His Daughters
A Chinese man had three daughters and was very proud of each of them. Thinking of their goals and dreams, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry. She answered, "I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest." He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry. She replied, "I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest." He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry. The youngest daughter smiled and said,
"I would like to marry a man with one dragging on the ground!"
Bottle Blonde
Tony, sitting at the bar, accuses a shapely blonde of dying her hair. They argue back and forth for some time. "No, I don't," she answers angrily. "Prove it!" Tony says. She looks around to make sure no one is looking, hikes up her skirt, and shows him her pubic hair. "See! What did I tell you!" "It's black!" he shouts triumphantly. "That goes to prove you dye your hair." "Not necessarily," she says. "I'll show you something. Here, put your thumb on the bar." When he does as she asks, she takes off her shoe and whacks his thumb with the heel as hard as she possibly can. "Oooowwww!" Tony shouts, reeling in pain. "What the hell did you do that for?" "What color is your thumb?" she asks. "Black!" he moans. "Yes," she says,
"And that's only after one bang!"
Christmas Eve
Sadly, in the midst of a terrible blizzard, three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They find themselves standing before the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. Before they are able to enter, they are told that they must present St. Pete with something that represents Christmas, or is 'Christmassy', so to speak. The first man searches in his pocket and finds some pine needles from his family's Christmas tree. St. Pete smiles and lets him enter. The second man searches through his jacket pockets and pulls out a bow and some ribbon from presents that were opened earlier that evening. He is also allowed to enter. The third man frantically rummages through every pocket before he pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks him, "Excuse me, but how do these represent Christmas?" The man grins sheepishly and replies,
"Oh, They're Carol's."
Honeymoon Couple
Guy had just returned from a week of honeymooning. Jim, his best friend, couldn't help but notice how exhausted and weak he appeared to be. Jim asked Guy how it had gone. "Well, the first night we 'made it' nine times," Guy said. "The second night eight times, the third night seven times, the fourth night six times, the fifth night five times, the sixth night four times, and the last night nothing." " Nothing? " Jim asked. "What happened?" Guy replied,
"Have you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
Gynecologist Excuse
A husband and wife were lying in
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About the Book
This unique format offers the most complete collection of adult humor ever assembled. Follow the hilarious antics of a group of fictitious characters as they address adult situations and experiences. Outrageously funny, offering many hours of laughter and reading pleasure.
About the Author
He was born in Wisconsin and attended school in northern Minnesota and the Twin Cities. He was raised in a strong Italian environment. After school, he moved to the Chicago suburbs and finally settled down in the Tampa Bay area. He has been happily married for twenty three years and has three beautiful teenagers. In the fall of '94 he had his first heart attack. During his recovery, he began fooling around with his new computer for the first time. His family has always enjoyed a good laugh and they swap jokes constantly. His parents had begun wintering in Florida the year before, and he was anxious to share much of what he had accumulated over the years with them. His mother loved the jokes as well as the rest of them, even though his father would have to explain many of them to her afterwards. She couldn't wait to tell them, but she would always ruin it when she repeated them to family or friends. If she didn't forget the punch line, she would omit something else important to the joke. In an effort to help her, he began typing the good jokes he had collected. He laid them out in such a way that she was better able to tell them. What had started out as a cardiac rehabilitation project, resulted in this book you're holding today. He has put together this collection of adult jokes and humor, titling it 'Jokes My Mother Never Told Me.' He has seen many joke books on the shelves, but never one quite like this. It is the most complete collection of these types of jokes ever collected and presented in this manner.