Fixing My Last Millennium

French coffee

Take my advice. Always drink tea. You can’t go wrong. Except in France of course. In France they have got around this problem by introducing the bowl of coffee as an alternative to the caffetiere. My first breakfast in France was actually with colleagues, so I had some folks to watch to avoid making yet another fool of myself. I watched how they prepared their breakfast. At first I was in awe, how the small plastic tray, so often provided in French hotels, could be so comprehensively covered with items such as a coffee bowl, numerous spoons, croissants, sugar, milk, ham, cheese, napkins, honey, jam, a boiled egg, and an ashtray. Somehow these were all going to be combined into something called le petit dejeuner.

I gathered the same combination of ingredients (except for the ashtray, of course) and joined my colleagues at a table. They talked for a while, yet made no attempt to rearrange the goods on their trays or indeed give any indication that they were about to eat something. Was that it? Was this for display only, with the French observing some form of dietary conformance? After a few minutes the reason for the delay became apparent. All heads in the room were raised simultaneously as two aproned-ladies swept in carrying very large steel flasks. A murmur of something like "ah, le café est arrivé" swept the room. The ladies proceeded to fill everyone’s bowl with steaming coffee. For the first time, I noticed that there were no cups around.

From this point, the whole performance of French breakfast eating commenced. It basically involved passing everything on the tray through the bowl of coffee, and then into the mouth. At times, the whole bowl was clasped in two hands and raised to the mouth for drinking. By this time it often contained pieces of sodden croissant, jam, and maybe some milk. I decided to follow everyone else. However, reluctantly.

While this whole thing went on, there was continuous conversation. However, each person’s voice seemed to occasionally change from a muffled monotone, to Darth Vader, and then back again, as the bowl was periodically raised to the face. What astounded me was how each person around me seemed to follow this procedure without removing their cigarette from the corner of their mouth at any time.

By the end of the performance, the entire breakfast room was immersed in clouds of smoke, originating predominantly from the favorite Galois cigarettes so avidly smoked across France. I coughed and thought of Churchill. "Never in the field of public health, was so much damage done to so many by so few." Allegedly. The sooner the world becomes smoke-free, the better.

Trays were returned to their origin, and no one had one trace of splattered food on them. Remarkable.

In an attempt to promote European harmony, I tried this out at an English hotel some months later. I used the cereal bowl, however my intermittent slurping and dipping of bread was clearly not appreciated by all around. I could tell by the silent glares of disapproval. Well, the English have always had a problem with the French. And all these onlookers were drinking tea, for goodness sake.

There are two things you must be aware of when staying in hotels. First, the waitress will always assume that you are a dirty old man trying to chat her up, assuming you’re male of course (or maybe not), so don’t bother trying, even if you do have that intent. She’s seen it all before and more and is by now quite bored by it. If you do seem to be getting a more-than-to-be-expected friendly touch, it’s either your imagination, or you’re in real trouble. Either way, keep your mouth shut, and stay in areas where people can see you.

Second, a major feature of all hotels worldwide is that the food they provide contains a very special combination of secret ingredients. No one really knows what this combination is, but without fail it will convert your breath into the most incredibly obnoxious stench. And this will only get worse overnight. Of course, you have no idea that you have the devil’s scourge on you. Let me advise you. Stick to fish and plain vegetables, and avoid sauces at all costs. If it’s too late, and you suspect you have a problem, test it out. After all, better to get through the day successfully with your key clients, than be remembered as "that guy with the dogbreath."

When you are within a yard or so of a colleague's personal space, watch his or her body language during the next two to three minutes of conversation.

Even if a person can train themselves to ignore smells, the body will automatically give the game away. If you see colleagues starting to move away from you, turn their heads frequently, or blink more than they should, it’s a sure sign that you have a small invisible log of bad breath strapped to your face which hits everyone who comes within range. If you see the signs, as a tactic breathe more slowly, and eject small bursts of breath out of the corners of your mouth away from everyone.

Time is the only healer for this condition, and it can take a couple of days if you’ve had a really bad dose of hotel breath conditioner. Don’t believe these stories about the use of strong mints, chewing caraway seeds, or extended teeth cleaning. They don’t work. The only sure way is to take strategic preventative action. Either avoid the food in the hotel in the first place, or ensure that you invite everyone you are likely to meet the following day to have dinner with you the night before, so they get into the same condition. Expensive, but sure.