Reflections of My Life

Some of my first memories are of profound sorrow and disappointment.  I must have had some expectation that being the only girl in a family of seven boys would somehow give me special placement in the family.  At the very least, some kind of attention.  Nevertheless, it did not.  Were it not for my mother, who was my special protector, I would not have had any attention at all.

My dad was a stern, distant man with a particular fondness for alcohol. He was harsh in his discipline with my older brothers, but fortunately he left my raising to my mother. I did not believe that my father loved me.  Even though he worked very hard in the cotton fields of our East Texas farm, he spent his spare time drinking.  My brothers followed dad in this pastime as soon as they were old enough to do so.  My mother, my two brothers and I were the only abstinent ones and eventually my two younger brothers joined them as well.  I did not realize at the time that we were dealing with the disease of alcoholism.  I only knew from an early age that something was wrong.  There was so much confusion and pain that I didn't know who or what to blame.

One of my worst memories from that time is when my daddy decided to make some wine to sell.  He got a bunch of fruit and made the wine in our cellar.  Before he could sell it, my mother's relatives came to visit.  They drank all of the wine and finished eating all of the berries.  My dad was furious and threw them out but they all went home happy, I guess. 

Incidentally, a lot of my relatives on my mother's side drank to excess, which was kind of surprising considering that my grandfather was a Baptist preacher.   The genetics won over parenting in this case, for sure.  I have traced the genetics back to before the Civil War.  When these relatives would become completely out of control and unable to function, the family would have them committed to wherever they put them back in those days!  It was referred to as a "nervous breakdown" and the person was never mentioned again.  This silent treatment was sort of understood and observed without question.  I have since learned that this is one of the symptoms of people who grow up around alcoholism.  No one wants to talk about it so the wall of denial gets built higher and higher.

By the time I was seven, I felt bewildered and ill-tempered most of the time.  I had heard so much cursing that I thought it was a standard part of the language, acceptable to society.  Despite this, I have to credit my father and brothers with one thing, no matter how much they had to drink the night before, the work got done the next day.  By comparison, my mother was a Christian and a devoted mother to us.  Her father, John Hallum, had been a Baptist preacher and had passed on to me her love of God and her powerful faith.  She steadfastly clung to her beliefs more and more as the years went by.  I never realized how angry and disappointed she must have been because she somehow spiritually transcended the situation.  Even the death of her firstborn son, Roy Clovis, did not defeat her.  He was only two years old and was poisoned by eating match heads which contained sulfuric acid at that time.  

The Peace That Only God Can Give

There are many things that we believe will make us happy,
but they don't give everlasting peace in our lives
for circumstances change and sometimes make us doubt
and the only peace that comes from within

We know Jesus will help us through the trials
we face as he works miracles in a marvelous way.
I'll keep on doing God's will because in my heart lives
the only lasting  peace I can ever have God gives

My  New Beginning

There has always been trouble and strife
But God’s love is eternally rife
And when I accepted Jesus as the Lord of my life
that was my new beginning.

Faith and courage brightens each day
For God blesses me in a unique way
And my problems can’t defeat me, come what may
because of my new beginning.

This new beginning is available to all
Who will on the name of  Jesus call.
Because he died on Calvary's tree
to bring this new beginning to you and me.