Postmodern Coyote: The Voyage of Sputnik Little-Wolf

“Do you deny that, on September 11, at 2:14 PM, you were apprehended at a United States Post Office, mailing a twice-extended tax return for which no refund was owed you and, moreover, that you opened a post office box rented under your name, which box contained subversive materials?”

“Yes, uh, no. I mean I don’t deny it. The IRS instructions said I could round everything off to the nearest dollar, so when I owed them thirty-some cents, I thought, ‘Like, hey, what’s a few pennies to Uncle Sam?’”

“Were you aware that a mistake as simple as failing to place a postage stamp on the envelope containing your tax return could land you a job scrubbing toilets at Guantanamo Bay?”

“No, sir. I mean, like they say, ‘you know what’ happens.”

“Are you aware that in the Commonwealth of Virginia you could, at one time, be fined and/or jailed for displaying the vulgar and disgusting bumper-sticker to which you have alluded?”

“No, sir. I’ve never been—”

“Yes or no?”

“No.”

“How would you explain the fact that the amount in question just happens to equal the then current value of a United States postage stamp?”

“No.”

“What do you mean, ‘No’?”

“Sir, you said to answer with either ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.”

“Are you, or have you ever been a fan of Rap Music?”

“Well, it all started back when Aerosmith and Run D—”

“Yes or no?”

“Yes.”

“Even though it is now a new millennium, do you not still own a copy of the book I now enter as People’s Exhibit A: 1984, by a Mr. G. Orwell?”

“Yes.”

“Do you not also own a copy of the Koran?”

“Yes, but it’s only a transla—”

“Have you not, on occasion, referred to the hero of ‘no-spin’ journalism as ‘the O’Reilly Fucker’?”

“Hell, who…? Sorry. Yes.”

“Have you ever longingly leered at posters featuring the scantily-clad crotch of Little Kim?”

“What red-blooded…? Yes.”

“Do you admit to, on at least one occasion, making an indecent comment about the breasts and oral tract of that American folk heroine, Monica Lewinsky? Mr. Little-Wolf, let me remind you that you are still under oath and, with two federal charges against you, dangerously close to a RICO indictment.”

“Yes.”

“Did you once remark that one of L.A.’s finest, Officer Lawrence Powell, should, and I quote, ‘Be sent, buck-naked, to do a little time’ in a maximum security facility in Alabama?”

“Well, uh, yes.”

“Did you not later make a contradictory statement regarding the above officer, referring to the federal charges filed against him as, and I quote, ‘double jeopardy’?”

“Yes, but the Constitution—”

“And did you not refer to the civil suit following the trial of one Mr. O.J. Simpson as the ‘same [expletive deleted] thing’?”

“Yes, but—”

“Furthermore, did you once refer to Gore supporters in Florida as ‘A bunch of chad-counting’— and I quote—‘fuck-heads’?”

“Yes, but I was fair. I went on to call Bush supporters a—”

“And did you not once quip to a group of fellow low-lifes that, and again I loosely quote, ‘The American legal system [expletive]s-up big time’ when it paroles convicted sex offenders that are also child mutilators?”

“I was talking about a guy that raped a little girl, cut off her arms at the shoulders, and left her to—”