Sports Briefs

The Thanksgiving Story with J.R. Rider

November 26, 2002 - "Ya'll sit ya'll lazy bee-hinds down, 'cuz Uncle J.R. fickinta tell ya'll a story!  I say uncle, but some of ya’ll could prolly call me Daddy."

With that, the room became quiet so quiet that you could hear a pin drop.

"Gee, Tommy, was that a pin that just dropped?”

"No, Billy, it was a pen.  Now shutup and listen to J.R.”

"That's Uncle J.R. to you, Tommy!"

"He ain't MY uncle!”

"I said quit ya'll yapping!"

The room became hushed once more. J.R. Rider, still an unemployed basketball player looking for work, has gone the "good P.R." route, hoping to show general managers around the league that he is no longer a head case, evidenced by his deciding to read the Thanksgiving story to a group of first graders.

We all know what P.R. stands for, do we not? For those that are ignorant, P.R. stands for pig remains, which also happen to be J.R.'s favorite snack.

"We ready to begin? Good. Okay, young-uns, Thanksgiving began an awfully long time ago. Back bee-fo' basketball wuz invented. Maybe even back bee-fo' dinosaurs were invented, but I'm not sho'. Anyway, we all remember the first Thanksgiving, right? There wuz a bunch of pilgrims and Indians and stuff like that. The Indians were throwing a party or sumthin' and them pilgrims decided they want a piece of that, too! Haha! So them pilgrims hopped on they boat, called the Mayflower, and swum on over to join the Indians at they party.

“Now, I know some of ya'll is wondering about that Mayflower, and no, Uncle J.R. did not get in trouble for smoking the Mayflower or nuthin' like that. So ya'll just get that out ya’ll’s heads right now.  As ya’ll know, it was our four fathers that came over on the Mayflower.  They was Jack Sickma, Osca’ Robertson, Moses Malone, and the Cap’in of the Mayflower, Sidney Moncrief.

“Where wuz I? Oh, yeah, them pilgrims came on over on they boat. Which reminds me, ya'll know ole' Sprewell got him a yacht?! A yacht! Just think if them pilgrims had one of those! They be gettin' they serious groove on back then with them Injuns!

“Anyways, they still had a pretty tight party, yo. Pilgrims brought cranberry sauce, which looks like blood when you get it on ya’ll shirt, yaknowwhatI'msayin'? They also killed a turkey and ate him, then got sum dressin' and ate it with the dead bird. 'Course, they cooked the cat, too, over a fire or sumthin'. Don't ask me, 'cuz I weren't there.

“After the big meal, yo, the Indians started trippin', yo. Ya'll ever heard of a peace pipe, cuz?! Haha! Ahem, me neither. Well, them Injuns sat around all light-headed and stuff, while them pilgrims decided to play a little ball. And it was right then, on the first Thanksgiving day, that basketball wuz invented by a bunch of dem pilgrims, yo."

"But J.R., I thought basketball was first invented using a peach basket!"

"Yeah, that's right, dawg. One of dem pilgrims grabbed a peach basket that one of dem Indians wuz sittin' on, and they put it up and shot a basketball through it. 'Course, it wasn't called a basketball at first. That term came about later. Sometime maybe 'bout 50 years ago or sumthin."

"What was the name of the pilgrim who invented basketball, Uncle J.R.?"

"Uh, good question, yo. Uh, hmmmm, the pilgrim who invented basketball. Yeah, I think he name was Pete Rose or sumthin. That was a long time ago, dawg. I bet it's in a history book or sumthin. Any the rest of ya'll young-uns got any mo' questions for Uncle J.R.?"

"Yes, how come you're not playing with any team, Uncle J.R.?"
"Yo, that's a great question. And to put in bluntly, no pun intended, the NBA just don't love J.R., youknowwhatI'msayin'? All the coaches and owners have it out for me, yo. Even at Thanksgiving, J.R. can't get no love. Okay, ya'll gots any more questions?"

"Yeah, can you stay and sign a few autographs for us?"

"Shoot, fool, haha, ya'll must be trippin'! Autographs! Shoot, haha! Stay a sign a few autographs. Yeah, haha! Fool, J.R. funna' go get my grub on. I'll see ya'll turkeys 'round Christmas! Remember to tell ya'll's parents what a great time ya'll had, though!"