POWER TOOLS FOR FAMILIES AND FRIENDS

INTRODUCTION

WHAT IN THE WORLD IS DISCIPLINE AND WHY WRITE A BOOK ABOUT IT?

* “My mother used to get so mad at me that she would scream uncontrollably at the top of  her lungs until she would simply drop from exhaustion.”

* “I just do not know what to do. I try my best to be a good parent but there are times I just lose it.”

* “I did not intend to hit him so hard. I just did not seem to be able to control myself after the first couple times.”

* “I do not think my dad likes me. He treats my brothers and sisters better than me. He lets them get away with things that I get punished for.”

I have heard these comments, or ones like them, many times during counseling sessions. So many parents are so incredibly frustrated because they feel like they are bad parents. They feel terrible about it. Many others seem to at least subconsciously believe that they are not doing a very good job in their role as parent. They seem to be hungry for answers but do not know where to look to find them. If only their child had come with an owner's manual. They often get different and/or conflicting answers from different sources, so they do not know what to believe. I am convinced that most mothers and fathers want to be good parents. Many are just not sure what that means - or how to accomplish it.

Lots of parents are carrying a great deal of guilt around because they are blaming themselves for poor choices their children have made. They get a bad case of the “if onlys.” i.e. “If only I would have been a better parent...” or “If only I would have done this, or that, differently.”

Approaches to parenting seem to go to two extremes:

1) The first extreme is the tendency for parents to be very harsh and repressive. Their thinking seems to be that if the child has his every move controlled as he is growing up then when he gets out “on his own” he can be expected to continue diligently on that path. Of course that does not usually work. In fact, the child is more likely to rebel against all forms of control as soon as he breaks free from the parent.

2) The other extreme is to let the child “be free.” Let him make his own decisions and set his own priorities. “After all, he is an individual and should not be expected to conform to what someone else wants, or expects, of him.” That child is equally likely to end up with big problems. As he develops more autonomy, and has more options available to him, he will likely lack the self-control necessary to function in a society of rules.

Going to either of those extremes will destine both you and your child to many years of unhappiness. Every possible combination of discipline responses falls between those two extremes. No wonder parenting gets so frustrating at times.

The challenge, then, becomes one of finding the approach that fits your child. You will find that each child needs to be responded to in an individual way. What works for one child may not work for another child at all.

I hope this book will help you sort through the maze that exists between those two extremes. You will find lots of ideas enclosed that may seem a little radical. You may find yourself laughing sometimes, and crying sometimes, as you relate to something that is said. Do not be afraid to try some things. Sit down and read a chapter together with your children, and then talk about how it fits you as a family. Find what works and ignore the rest.

This book is also designed to help those of you who may be working or relating with young people who are not part of your immediate family. Some of you probably do a huge amount of parenting with kids who are not your own - you maybe a teacher, youth pastor, little league coach, cub scout or boy scout leader, boss, or any number of other roles that has you interacting with young people. My desire is that you find lots of ideas in this book that will help you understand and interact more effectively in any of those roles.

For the rest of you - this book is for you also! There are lots of ideas in this book that could be very beneficial in your every day interactions with people. You’ll find that the communication, discipline, and other issues discussed in this book are relevant for anyone who interacts with other people on any level. The discipline issues discussed may be from the perspective of parents working with their kids, but are just as important for anyone who has a leadership role over other people of any age. Just insert your name, or your particular relationship to another person, everywhere you read the word ‘parent’ in this book and it should make good sense to you.

So, there is something in this book for everyone! I had a horrible time giving a title to this book because it covers such a wide variety of topics, and yet all related, for such a wide variety of people. Whatever the title...whatever role you play in life....I hope the information contained within is helpful to you.