She's An Angel Now

The ride to the cemetery grounds where the services were going to be held was the longest car ride of my life.  I remember I was in this car with Ed and his parents and my mother and aunt and there was such a sad cloud that seemed to hang over us.  This cloud was both emotional as well as literal.  The skies were crying for my baby and so was everyone in that car.  The silence and the soft sobs were both unbearable.  I sat in this slow moving car staring out the window at life.  The world seemed to operate as normal around me.  How could things be so normal for everyone?  Didn’t they know my daughter was dead?  Why didn’t the world stop to mourn the lost of this beautiful child?  Those were my thoughts as the cars and trees passed on by.  I knew that my eyes were swollen already and I had no idea how they could possible release anymore tears, but it was just the beginning and my tears were just warming up for the main event.

I looked away from the window for a while because it angered me to see people walking on the street smiling and laughing like all was great with the world.  I watched her father’s face for a while.  His expression was hard and controlled.  He was trying to hold it together.  He had to prove that he was a strong man and that he could handle what we were about to face.  I watched as his expression started changing from hard to a little softer.  It kept getting softer until the tears started forming in his eyes.  He kept his composure and he wouldn’t let those tears fall.  I was proud of him for trying to be strong for me, but I knew he would have to let go soon.  My eyes shifted to my mother who was sitting there dressed so lovely.  I studied her face and I saw such sadness.  The sadness was mixed with anger, anger that she was trying to suppress.  I knew she was angry with God that day.  I could almost hear the questions she was asking him in her mind.  Why? Why would you take my sweet grandchild?  Why would you allow her to leave her mother?  How was I going to get through it and more importantly, How was I going to help my child get through the lost of her child?  Her sobs were getting a little louder now, but she too tried to control them for me.  I moved up to the front of the car and I watched my in-laws.  I couldn’t see the actual faces because their backs were to me, but the body language was apparent.  They too were wondering how such a lovely child could be taken from them.  She was their first grandchild as well as another female Kizzie.  Girls were scarce in their family and I recall the joy her birth brought to them.  My mother-in-law was also sobbing softly and she rested her head in the arms of her husband.  She is a small lady who had a strong will and a huge heart.  I knew she was trying to be strong for her son and her struggle within was great.  My father-in-law was always the strong one in the family.  He carried himself that way on the outside.  Inside he was like a cuddly teddy bear.  He could be gentle and he loved his Girls.  I spent a lot of time with him and I knew that underneath the tough exterior was a kind-hearted soul.  He always made Ky’monie and I laugh and he always treated us like princesses.  Monie would say to him, “Come here granddad I got something to tell you”, he would say, “What is it baby girl.” She would say, “Come here it’s a secrete I have to tell you in your ear.” Well you know how the story goes.  He would say ok and walk all the way over to her, (because she would never come to you) and when he got there and put his ear to her mouth she would say “CIKE” and burst out laughing.  He would laugh and tell her it was funny that she could get him with that same trick over and over.  As I watched him put his arms around his wife and wipe her tears, I smiled because no matter how many times she did that she would get all of us with it each and every time.  I don’t remember him allowing his tears to fall, but I am sure they did because no one could control their emotions that day.  I watched my aunt who also tried to be strong as she comforted my mother.  I could feel her sorrow flowing through the car and I knew I had to turn back towards the window before I let it all out again.   It seemed as if a lifetime had gone by, then a realized one had.  Ky’monie’s life was flashing before my eyes as the car rolled on toward its destination.  I saw her smiling at me in the tub that day.  I saw her running around on the playground.  I saw her teaching her sister how to put her foot on the petal of her pink power wheels car in order to make it go.  I saw her waving to me as she went off to school that first day.  I saw her when she took her first breath out of me, and I saw her take her last in the hospital bed.