The Night I Held An Angel

This book is about moving forward but with acknowledgement to the life of a precious baby; a precious child who has taught me to love myself again and to want to make a difference in this world. This book is a reference guide to help someone in the future who experiences stillbirth to know there is hope, and that there child truly has made a difference.

It is hard being a childless mother. Stillbirth is a cruel entrance into parenthood. After all you are still a parent but there is no child to show for all the hard work and labor you just endured. You are left feeling like an empty shell of a person and a part of yourself was lost with that child you had to bury. When other parent’s deliver their babies they are given time to recuperate and bond with their newborn. When a child is born still most devastated parents are expected to move on quickly and not dwell on something that cannot be changed. Your parenthood is not acknowledged in the same way as those who have a child at home with them.

Although your child is no longer with you, bereaved parents have the same hopes and dreams for them. You will never know what potential they would have grown up to have you most likely have just a partially empty memory box that may contain a few mementos of their brief stay. Hopefully you will have a picture to cherish or an article of clothing to hold something tangible of that little person who came to visit.     

I can’t imagine how my life would be without having had Arianna. When I think of her it feels as if you loving someone that you could never have. The person that was in your life and for whatever reason has now gone from it – your first true love. You can still smell them and you remember these little bits of memories; but they are no longer yours. That stabbing pain in your heart that if you just had the chance to hold them again and tell them how you felt it would just make the world so much more bearable to live in. To make peace with that memory and say all the things you had left unsaid. But then you wake up to reality and realize that the only place you will see them again is in a dream or a picture. That person you knew is now gone forever from your life. What we wouldn’t give to have that chance back again. To have one more day…just a few minutes with that precious person in our arms. You are not the same without them yet you have to move on. Not by choice but by what life has dealt you.

I hope this book and my research will help you understand what happens in the life of someone who has gone through delivering a child that is stillborn, the tremendous amount of pain one goes through in order to recover from such a loss and how everyone is affected when this tragedy unexpectedly strikes a family. I hope this book can be a resource guide and will offer encouragement to move forward without forgetting what was left behind.

Quick Reference Guide

The intention of the quick reference guide is to provide newly bereaved parents with important information about how to deal with the tragedy of losing their baby or babies through stillbirth or shortly after they were delivered (neonatal death). The quick reference portion of this book should be used as a guideline to help with the grieving process.

All of the suggestions and advice offered were given by other bereaved parents who experienced the same pain and felt it necessary to pass on this vital information. This information was compiled after two years of research and study. There is no right or wrong way to handle the tragedy of losing a child, but it is helpful to take suggestions from those who have been through this situation first hand. No two individuals grieve the same and it is important to remember to allow your self to grieve in your own way. Please feel free to use any of the information in this book to help you forge ahead in your healing journey.

(Example of a question and answer taken from Quick Reference Guide)

Question 8: What important piece of advice would you give to someone who has just lost a child? 

• Read and research about your loss so you can try to understand what has happened to you.
• Seek out a support program. It will provide an outlet and a safe place to discuss feelings. Don’t try to suppress your feelings or emotions.
• Talk about your emotions and get it out of your head.
• Speak the words and your grief will lessen.