I use to have this dream when I was a kid. Somebody had left the barn gate open and our old milk cow had got out. Old Bessie, or Spot, or whatever the hell her name was, decides that this is a good day for a stroll about the Kansas countryside. So off she goes, her hoofs raising little puffs as she clip-clops down the lane. So she gets a couple of hundred yards away, when everyone discovers the escape. Now, about who left the gate unlatched, wasn’t important who had done it, in the dream, I always got the blame. Now, since I’m the guilty party, I got to get Old Bessie, or Spot or soon-to-be-hamburger back. Anyway, this cow is getting farther and farther down the road, and my whole family and then all the neighbors are yelling at me.
“Get her turned around.”
“How could you be so dumb?”
“Your letting her get away.”
Most of the time, that cow lumbered along at about the speed of syrup in January. Of course, NOW she wants to act like a cutting horse in heat. Every time I get ahead of her and I get close to turning her, she slips past. If I could just get someone to block for me, I could do it. Every time she slips past, I get a little more tired, and a little more humiliated. But of course, I’m on my own, and I’m scared that everyone will see me for what I am. Scared, weak, stupid. I can here the others thinking it, speaking it, yelling it. The litany knifes through my head like a broken record. He’s scared, weak, stupid, scared, weak, stupid. Scaredweakstupidscaredweakstupid… you know the drill. I’m also scared because as the story progresses, I start to believe them. I’m being outwitted by a cow, 500 pounds of mean and stupid tied up in a leather bag. I’m scared, I’m tired, I’m hot, I’m crying, I’m in trouble and no one will help me and I CAN’T CATCH THE FUCKING COW.
I’m six years old.
Later, I dream of a girl I knew in school. I wonder if she ever thinks of me – doubtful – and if so does she still see the same thing – who knows? I know you’ll think I’m nuts, but I use to see her in this lavender dress and I swear, that’s what she’d be wearing the next day. I really liked this girl, okay, I loved her, or thought I did, hell I don’t know. But in the dream, I’m terrified that she’ll hate me, yet I manage to overcome my fear –for once- and speak to her. Yet when she turns toward me, the image dissolves and there is always some horrible flaw. She''s missing an eye, she has several blackened teeth or some other disfigurement and I know at that moment this is what she sees in me. Something vile and ugly and to be avoided. Then she points a finger and begins to laugh. Then everyone in the class, including the teacher begins to laugh. Soon, kids from other classes drift in to join the frivolity. Try as I might, I cannot hold back my tears. Of course, this just adds to the merriment of all. As I turn away I see out the window that even that damn cow –long turned into hamburger- is watching. Contently chewing a cud and looking at me as if to say “Hey stupid, I tried to warn you.” I fall to the floor, curled in a ball, I’m scared, I’m crying, I’m cold, I’m tired.
I’m fourteen years old.
Then I had dreams about boot camp. Marine Corps Recruit Depot, San D