Taking Stock

The questions in this journal are a compilation that evolved at a time when I found myself experiencing overwhelming changes in my life in a very brief amount of time.  I had just given birth to my daughter, undergone major surgery, lost both of my parents within months of each other, as well as several other family members.  My marriage disintegrated and I was unable to find an adequate and satisfying job.

I was lost in a sea of negative emotions: self-pity, abandonment and grief.  I continually asked myself and God, “why me? ” This was not the life I expected or was prepared for.   I watched in disbelief, as the world I knew, crashed in on me.  As I began to pick up the pieces and pull myself together for the sake of my daughter and myself, I began to pose questions to my mind, heart and soul, in the hope of finding answers to guide my future.  Who am I?  What did I want from this life? What contributions was I to make to fulfill my purpose on this earth?  What could I do differently to make positive changes in life - mine, my child’s and the world?

In my search for both answers and consolation, I encountered a story written by a woman who had experienced some similar events in her life.  What touched on me the most was the fact this woman and her daughter had survived, but she emerged a strong individual and made a positive influence on her daughter.  Reading her story was the beginning of my emergence from my pain and sorrow.  I started to take charge of my life and the future for myself and my daughter.  My efforts towards a more positive life were buoyed when I had the unique privilege of meeting this wonderful writer and her beautiful child.  I was grateful for the opportunity to thank them in person for the inspiration that I was given through the sharing of her life experiences and for touching me in a tremendous way.

Also in my search for revelation and enlightenment, I made great discoveries about myself and how family and society have exerted influences that had shaped me and my outlook on life. My upbringing had pointed me in one direction, society in a different direction and circumstances in yet another.  This triangle led me to the conclusion that all three points played into what had become my life.  I then began to see myself in a new light, to reconsider my values and how they appeared to other people I encountered in life.  These observations were of people I knew very well and people who were acquaintances.  I also notes the actions of well-known individuals whose behaviors make an impact on American society.

I asked myself some very direct, yet simple questions about specific values and ethics.  By putting my answers on paper, I was able to see what kind of a person I was and if I wanted to continue in the same path or make conscious changes for the better.  In this ongoing evaluation of my personal beliefs, it occurred to me that there are other people who have had similar life experiences to mine.  I wanted to share with others the questions I asked myself about the values I had.

This isn’t a test.  There are no “right” or “wrong” answers.  This in an exercise in conscious thought.  Be honest in your responses.  Think about what your mind, heart and soul would say.  You can learn about yourself in ways that never crossed your mind.  You will be morally challenged.  You will experience many feelings: joy, love, laughter, pride, goodness, disappointment, hurt and pain - I certainly did.  You will also feel and learn the realization of a person that is just waiting to be released.