Conflict Resolution For Christian Couples
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Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, whether you’re a Christian or not. Yet many people enter into relationships with the expectations that, if it’s a good relationship, if it has God’s blessing, there should be no conflict. When conflict inevitably does occur, people often end up incorrectly concluding that the relationship was a mistake. People will deny, avoid, repress or ignore conflict in hopes that it will go away. But a healthy relationship is often determined by how smoothly conflict can be negotiated, not ignored. It is a skill that, even if not modeled by your caregivers while you were growing up, is learnable. It all comes down to: • Having a good foundation from which to work • Having a good selection of tools to handle whatever problems come along • Knowing which tools to use and when • Following through in using them consistently When I use the word “foundation” I’m referring to the attitudes, expectations, understandings and beliefs that you bring to the relationship - not just those pertaining to romantic relationships, the roles of husband and wife, but also how well you understand yourself. • If your attitude about a relationship is formed solely on the amount of energy your partner is expending for you, there are going to be problems. • If you’re entering a relationship expecting that God’s going to do all the work to make necessary change occur, there are going to be problems. • If your understanding of relationships is limited because you grew up in a family that didn’t model healthy conflict, there are going to be problems. • If your belief about relationships is that it’s all about unconditional love, and accountability is just another form of judgment, there are going to be problems. Understand that the foundation is the core of the relationship – if the core is unhealthy, then everything else that happens within that relationship is perceived through that unhealthy filter. Yes, even if you have a healthy foundation, there will still be problems, but the healthier the foundation, the more easily those problems can be resolved, and the less work there is overall.
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About the Book
When it comes to anger, there are natural dilemmas that exist when dealing with how you do or don’t express it. Many people who have issues with anger do so because they feel, or the partner feels, that it’s not okay to be angry. And because there is no allowed outlet provided for their upset, things build to an extreme point much more quickly than if there had been permission to experience and display negative emotions (frustration, disappointment, etc.). The Bible states that “In your anger do not sin,” (Ephesians 4:26a) and, along these lines, one of the central concepts of conflict resolution is that it’s okay to feel and express your upset as long as you do it appropriately - ideally, in a way that creates understanding, not does further damage. One of the primary purposes of this book is to not only show better ways to express potential upset, but how to maintain a healthy relationship where, if you follow the guidelines, discussions are unlikely to ever turn into fights.
About the Author
Paul Shaffer has a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology and is a Licensed Professional Counselor in North Carolina. He has worked with adults, couples, families, and children as a professional counselor for 30 years. At present, he continues in private practice in Huntersville, NC. The practice is called Right Choices Counseling.