My Ordinary Son

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day

            The guests began to arrive.  As people came in, I could see the sympathy in their eyes.  This will forever bother me, but I am glad that everyone could come to my home. The hustle and bustle of evening distracted us all.  We enjoyed the meal and the company.  Everyone was talking about the impending storm.  It was a relief to focus on the snow.  The evening passed quickly.  “Get through it,” was the new motto of the Zabierek household.

            When the last of the guests had departed, the four of us gathered to open the gifts.  It was strange to be opening the gifts on this evening.  Usually Alyssa would rush to bed so that the morning would arrive quicker.  She would ask my brother and his wife to tuck her in just before they left.  She would tell them about her wish list.  The child in her would radiate through the house, as the sun brightens the day.  I missed her excitement and joy.  We sat near the tree.  It was very quiet.  Part of me wanted to run out the front door.  This was going to be extremely difficult.  Aaron was gone.  His spot was empty.  Nothing would ever change that.  Even though it was not Christmas morning, the pain was not lessened.  I had fooled myself into believing that if we did the gift exchange completely differently, it would lessen the pain.  I was wrong. 

Gary selected a gift for each of them.  The opening began.  I looked at my daughters with incredible love.  I wanted to hold them and never let go.  I could not protect them from the pain.  That was harder to deal with than my own pain.  I was frozen in my chair and watched my daughters.  As they opened more gifts, a trickle of joy seeped in.  I could see some happiness.  I realized that this is what it was all about.  They are alive and here with me.  I had to set aside the pain and let them be children.  I wanted their memories to be happy.  The last thing Gary and I wanted for our children was the elimination of Christmas.  They needed to continue with the happy times.  Life was so sad for us we needed joy in our hearts again.  I try to imagine Aaron hovering over the girls.  He had to be here with us, I thought to myself. I wanted my family complete and this was the only way to have what I wanted.